Leading experts at the Palo Alto Center for Theoretical MLS Studies broke new ground this morning on a revolutionary new theorem which would describe the previously unexplained movement of the stars in MLS. According to the proposed hypothesis, there may exist invisible MLS roster rules, unseen and unaccounted for in human record, which create a gravitational pull of high-profile Designated Players toward more lucrative markets in the United States and Canada.
“Many times we have looked at the stars and wondered what caused their movements,” explained John Kovalev, principal theorist on the project. “We watched these stars, which by all laws known to man and MLS should have gone to one team, become steered toward another more public, visible team in a more financially advantageous market. All we have been able to do is wonder at the mystery of it all. Until today.”
According to the theorem, MLS roster rules which exist only on a hitherto unknown plane, establish a sort of gravity well around markets such as New York and Los Angeles, a well strong enough to subvert all currently understood MLS roster rules and pull the biggest stars into those markets’ orbit.
The proposal also outlined, briefly, a concept for future study wherein presently unexplained salary rules may have the effect of pushing the biggest stars away from MLS altogether.