UPDATE: Trump rescinds USMNT ban on dual nationals after watching Christian Pulisic

In a stunning reversal of the executive order he signed earlier this afternoon, Donald Trump has announced he will be lifting the US Men’s National Team ban on dual nationals after watching footage of Christian Pulisic playing for Borussia Dortmund.

“Holy shit,” Trump remarked as he watched young forward, who holds citizenship in the US and in Croatia, streaking down the right flank for his German club.  “Did you see that footwork?  He’s quick but he keeps a low center of gravity so he can dribble around anyone.  The kid looks like he’s knitting with his goddamn feet.  How old did you say he was?  18?  What the fuck was I thinking?  Get him onboard.”

Though Pulisic was reportedly delighted to receive word of the change in Trump’s message, he was disturbed when he received threatening text messages from Tim Howard and Geoff Cameron stating simply “See you in camp, foreigner…”

Author: David Martin

Writing for fiftyfive.one and davesiknow.com. Propagator of soccer satire. @offensive_loons on Twitter and Reddit.

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