Don Garber announces anti-doping tests “to ensure the bloodline stays pure”

In an impromptu press conference this morning, MLS commissioner Don Garber announced that the league would be introducing additional anti-doping tests to, in the words of the commissioner, “guarantee the purity of MLS blood.”

“To ensure not a single player is in violation of the league’s rules against performance enhancing substances, but also to provide for the certainty of a clean season of performance, untainted by the toxin of sin moving through the blood of the unfaithful, we have enacted daily screenings for every competitor to preserve the sanctity of this annual rite.”

When asked for further clarity on what type of “impurities” he referred to, Garber only suggested ominously that “to play even a single minute in the shadow of unbelief is to relinquish the spirit of the eternal night beyond our grasp.  The blood must be pure!”

Garber closed the press conference with a brief mention of the status of future MLS expansion, promising that “the tendrils of the spirit empire would reach to every corner, and into every soul.”

Author: David Martin

Writing for fiftyfive.one and davesiknow.com. Propagator of soccer satire. @offensive_loons on Twitter and Reddit.

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