Garber sacrifices Generation Adidas player in annual MLS kickoff ritual

Initiating the sacred rite which heralds every new MLS season, league commissioner Don Garber stood before gathered league representatives, press, and religious officials and sacrificed a chosen Generation Adidas player.

“The beautiful game requires a beautiful sacrifice, the clean blood of a young, untainted talent to reaffirm our commitment to the eternal guardians of our league,” Garber told those assembled, reading from a league rules tome bound in flesh and inked in blood.  “This young man will not live to see what his gift has wrought, but he has borne something bigger and more timeless than he could ever have accomplished as a living mortal.

Garber ended the press event/dark ritual by pulling a hood over his head and retreating offstage “to make penance.”

Author: David Martin

Writing for and Propagator of soccer satire. @offensive_loons on Twitter and Reddit.

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