Claudio Ranieri sacked as he discovers last year was a “Make A Wish” stunt

When Claudio Ranieri entered the 2015-2016 English Premier League season and revealed to ownership that he was suffering from terminal prostate cancer, it set in motion an inspiring chain of events wherein every team in the league stepped aside to let the Foxes win the championship against staggering odds, giving a dying man his dying wish.  When Ranieri indicated after that season that his cancer had gone into remission and he appeared ready to live a long and happy life, the league was left with a very uncomfortable situation.  What happens next?

That question was solved today as Ranieri was dismissed from his coaching role with Leicester City and told that his miraculous championship season was simply the result of the most complex and long term “Make A Wish” stunt ever held.

Ranieri has spent 2016-2017 regressing toward his true form: a lousy coach of a lousy team.  Today it was revealed to him how millions of people across the world joined together to give what they thought to be a terminal man one final, glorious illusion with which to end his mortality, from fans feigning shock at their breakout season to other teams purposely losing easily winnable games (and losing tens of millions of pounds in the process) to give the man his final wish.

“Wow, we really did not have an exit plan,” remarked Greg Gurhns, EVP for Make A Wish outreach and coordination.  “We thought for sure this guy was dead – he thought for sure he was dead – and when his cancer went away…I guess we just didn’t have the heart to tell him what had happened, so we just let him go on coaching as if he were an even moderately competent manager.”

As of press time, Make A Wish had yet to contact UEFA to let them know that the Make A Wish event had ended and that they could allow Champions League competition to resume normally again.

Author: David Martin

Writing for and Propagator of soccer satire. @offensive_loons on Twitter and Reddit.

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