Because who has time to watch at least 11 matches, I have looked into my crystal ball to tell you exactly how the game will play out, thus saving you all the agony of watching American soccer
PORvMNU: The first MLS game of the year and the inaugural MLS game for Minnesota United ends when Josh Gatt blows by Luke Ridgewell, scores the game winner in the 89th minute and blows out his knee in the process. Gatt’s MNUFC line ends with 15 minutes played and 1 goal.
CLBvCHI: Two teams that really don’t like one another, in a game that no one will actually watch. How appropriate!
LAGvDAL: The reigning Open Cup and Supporters Shield Winners travel to the Stub Hub Center. FC Dallas makes fun of the Galaxy for having fewer Season Ticket Holders than LAFC has Season Ticket deposits for next year. FC Dallas points to the trophy case.
RSLvTOR: Giovinco, Bradley and Altidore pick up where they left off by going all Juggalo who is high on Faygo all over poor Kyle Beckerman and Nick Rimando, who just want to smoke a joint and appreciate the Rio Tinto!
COLvNE: God both of these teams are boring as shit!
DCvSKC: The original United hosts Sporting KC in a match that will look like a Mike Tyson – Evander Holyfield fight. Both teams will trade short jabs early before Dom Dwyer loses his goddamn mind and metaphorically bites Steve Birnbaum’s ear off and bags a brace
HOUvSEA: It’s like MLS is just trying to give the trophy to Seattle with this cupcake opener. Orange Crush, which is a good soda and a great REM song gets steamrolled by Emerald City in a battle of which color and C noun sound the stupidest together
SJvMTL: No Drogba, no problems for the Impact. They roll into the World’s Largest Out door bar and put the hurt on Wondo and San Jose. Piatti, Oduro and Mancuso all bag a goal
ORLvNYC: In the Sunday ESPN matchup 2015 debutantes meet for the first time in 2017. NYCFC found their way last year and Orlando City fired a good coach and again crapped the bed. This will be a high scoring game with an expansion team from 2105 finding a late winner
ATLvNYRB: Weird how FS1 got both of the expansion teams on opening weekend, huh? I think Rob Stone is on the take. I once sat at a bar and drank a beer with Rob Stone. Let’s just say that is one good dude. Oh the matchup you say? the least important United gets curb stomped 4-1
VANvPHI: This game kicks off at 9:30pm on the East Coast, will any of the Coastal liberal elite be up to watch it? If not does anybody care. I sure as shit don’t!
There you have it. I just saved you from having to watch over a days worth of soccer, so, you’re welcome, feel free to paypal me my WHAM (What Helpful Advice Money) directly to my email address firstname.lastname@example.org!