Week 5 Precaps

Because literally no one should be made to watch 22 hours of MLS soccer, we again tell you how the games are going to go down, saving you basically a day of your life!

Fri Mar 31

Toronto v Kansas City – Sporting is good this year, Toronto is just a bit better at home as Jozy Altidore and Bradley combine fro 3 goals, in some fashion!

Seattle v Atlanta – If you’re going to watch 2 games this year, make this one of them. Expect lots of goals and ultimately disappointment with a 2-2 draw

-Sat Apr 1

New York City v San Jose – If no one watches this game does it actually happen? I’m just waiting for a throw-in that actually goes in for a goal, that’s a thing right? 4-1 NYCFC

Chicago v Montreal – Unstoppable force meets Laurent Ciman? The Daves are fully aboard the Chicacgo hype train, Choo-Choo Motherfuckers, the Fire roll 3-1

Columbus v Orlando – Columbus went up a Manneh this week, you guys see what i did there, see? Columbus rolls 3-1

DC v Philadelphia – Both of this teams are hot garbage. I mean there better teams than the next game, but that’s not saying much. DC 1-0

Minnesota v Salt Lake – I want to believe in Inchy I really do, but nothing, literally nothing he has ever done proves to me that he can put together a competent back line. RSL hangs 4 on the Minnesota boys but they claw 2 back late.

Houston v New York Red Bulls – Houston hype train gets derailed by the Bread Bowls this weekend 3-2 NYRB

Vancouver v LA – Vancouver is shit, Tchani is shit, LA is less shitty, 2-1 Galaxicos

-Sun Apr 2

Portland v New England – This is the fucking main event, forget Wrestlemania 33, it’s this game! An all out slugfest! 5-4 to Timber Joey’s Portland football sqaudron.

There you go, just saved you 22 hours to go kiss your partner and potty train a toddler. you are welcome!

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