Another week, another slate of MLS games. This week we get 3 matches on Friday, because two 0-0 draws is not enough. Also no Sunday matches today, because apparently Jesus died for our American soccer sins. Well let’s dive in!
Philadelphia Union v New York City FC– Well, well, what have we here a tasty little soccer matchup between NYCFC and a good team, nope what we have here is a curb stomping in Philly. 1-3 NYCFC
Vancouver Whitecaps v Seattle Sounders – A Cascadia Cup match gets some primetime Canada TV, right during the Stanley Cup, so 10s of people will be watching the match between the people in Vancouver for the game and across the rest of the Single-Payer utopia that is Canada.
San Jose Earthquakes v Dallas – FC Dallas showed no signs of slowing down after the CCL semifinal lost to Pachuca so I wouldn’t worry to much about Wondo and the Quakes. 1-3 Dallas.
Montreal Impact v Atlanta United – Montreal and Philly are the only MLS teams yet to win a match, both are playing at home, Montreal rectifies that this week, leaving the Union, solamente in terms of 0 wins. 3-2 Montreal.
Orlando City v LA Galaxy – This game is on the big boy network F-O-X. City is the best defensive team in the Eastern Conference and playing at home means 3 points. 2-0 OCFC
Chicago Fire v New England Revolution – Battle of 4/5 in the East. Revs can score some goals but I think Schweiney and Dax McCarthy score 4. 4-2 Fire.
New York Red Bulls v DC United – What the hell is wrong with the Red Bulls? Are they trying to pull a Galaxy/Timbers-esque hey let’s play like crap until July and then get good? United grabs a late equalizer and this game ends 1-1.
Columbus Crew v Toronto FC – Columbus is top of the Eastern Conference table but they have played 6 games. Toronto FC has one win. Crew 2-1
Houston Dynamo v Minnesota United – Could there be 9 goals scored in an MLS match this year? This might be the game that tests that? Houston 3-2 Cubo bags at least 2 goals
Colorado Rapids v Real Salt Lake – Rocky Mountain Cup Part 1. These teams absolutely proper fucking hate each other. So I expect a stalemate and a 1-1 draw.
Portland Timbers v Sporting Kansas City – This might be the game of the week. Unstoppable Force (Portland’s offense) meets Immovable Object (Sporting KC’s defense). Timber Joey chainsaws 3 pieces of wood and Portland wins 3-1.
The fuck you watching soccer for, go worship the Easter Bunny or whatever.