Each week we do the greatest service in US soccer. We let you know how each of the upcoming MLS games will go so you don’t have to waste a day of your life watching mediocre soccer. This week we have 12 games (Oh boy!), spread out over 4 days for maximum suckitude, so adjust your MLS fantasy teams accordingly and here, we, go!
New England Revolution v San Jose “Don’t call them the Quakes” Earthquakes – Wow, of all the teams to play 2 matches this week we get the Revs and the Quakes. San Jose came back late to steal a point at home and the Revs got curb stomped in Chicago. Expect the Revs to get back on the front foot in greater Massachusetts this week 4-2, Revs.
Toronto FC v Chicago Fire – Chicago is surprisingly in the Top 3 in the East, with a stingy defense and getting just enough offense thanks to SCHWEINY! doing German things. Toronto has been nothing like last year’s team (maybe the 2017 version of 2016 Columbus???). This macth begins a run of 3 home games that Toronto needs 7 points from. Toronto pulls this one out at the death, 2-1
Philadelphia Union v Montreal Impact – Thank god, we finally reached Saturday. The Union have yet to win a game, the Impact pulled out a late win against a 10-man ATL last week. The Union can’t be this much of a dumpster fire, can they? Yeah, probably, Montreal 2-1
Houston Dynamo v San Jose Earthquakes – So how much magic does Ol’ Man Wondo still have in his boots? Definitely not enough to bag any points this week as the Dynamo bounce back from dropping points to lowly MN with a proper Texas Steer wrangling, that’s a thing right? Dynamo 3-1
Portland Timbers v Vancouver Whitecaps – Another week, another edition of the Cascadia Cup. Got get a room already you three! Vancouver snatched all 3 points at the death last week and Portland got worked over by Sporting KC’s wicked Defense. Expect the Timbers to be firing on all cylinders and Nagbe to find his way back on the score sheet. 4-0 to the Timbers.
New York Red Bulls v Columbus Crew – Is the Crew for real? This is a good test as the go to New Jersey to take on last years Eastern Conference best record havers! So what do you guys think happened in the Pine Barrens during that one Sopranos episode. I have a theory that the Russian survived and during the last scene of the Sopranos made Tony a really great omelette! Anyways, I think this one ends in a very sexy 2-2 draw.
New England Revolution v DC United – Nothing cures an Eastern Conference goal drought quite like a visit from the DC Uniteds. Honestly what MLS team has a good pedigree but has been an absolute dumpster fire for most of the last 10 years? It’s gotta be a toss-up between the Fire and DC right? Right? Bueller? On the year anniversary of Prince’s untimely passing the Revolution grab all 6 points this week. 2-0.
FC Dallas v Sporting KC – This is absolutely the game of the week. KC is in 2nd place in the West, Dallas is 3rd with a game in hand. These are the last two undefeated teams in the league. FCD is coming off dropping points on the road in San Jose while KC is coming off completely shutting down the highest scoring offense in the league. Expect fireworks of the hard tackle variety and a card or five! This might be the most exciting 0-0 draw of the year!
Real Salt Lake v Atlanta United – The Atlanta Uniteds feel hard done by the refs with 3 of their players have received red in their first 6 matches. The fans in Rio Tinto feel hard done by their garbage owner who clearly wanted to hire Mike Petke but decided he couldn’t fire the coach who dragged his team to the playoffs the year before, so he more or less cost the team at least 8 point and probably 12. Nevertheless the Petke Hype Train has been nothing short of a revelation and Rimando stands on his head 2-1 Real Salt Lake.
New York City FC v Orlando SC – A rematch of Week One, this time at the tiny ass field in the Bronx. OCSC snuck a 1-0 win in the first matchup and but for SKC and FCD in the West would have the best defense in the MLS, they’ll have to suffice as being the best defense in the East for now. NYCFC has been a bit of an enigma as they look like a potential Eastern Conference Champ some weeks and then like absolute garbage against DCU other weeks. I don’t think Cyle Larin has late game heroics in him this week as the Purple fall to Man City West 1-0.
LA Galaxy v Seattle Sounders – The Galaxy either win or lose (the only other team without a Draw is OCSC) so expect a result! This is the first meeting between bitter MLS rivals and both of these teams are currently in the bottom half of the table. I think now we can expect one to stay there and I don’t think it’s going to be Seattle. Sounders get back to winning ways and steal 3 points in LA, 3-1.
Minnesota United FC v Colorado Rapids – The final match of the weekend is a Week 3 rematch which saw MNUFC pickup their first points of the season and their first lead of the season (although it was just one minute). Sam Cronin and March (per a recent Minnesota United email) Burch face their former team for the first time and hoo-boy have the Rapids missed them. The Rapids will also be missing veteran Keeper Tim Howard as he was kind of a dick to KC fans (they really did kinda deserve it though) and the League decided to make an example of him. So this is the second of Howard’s 3 game suspension. Between most of the Dallas game and the second half of the Houston game it appears that Minnesota Defense might just be finding a rhythm. The Rapids on the other hand are below United in the standings and haven’t picked up points since that match against United. Bold prediction time, this will be MNUFC’s first clean sheet of the season, 3-0 to the Black & Blue.