Welcome to the first (and likely last) installment of Drunk Trade of the Week! You may be looking around and wondering how we got here. Luckily I have the memory, and body, of an elephant and can precisely recall the conversation between one or more persons named Dave (might have been two people, might have been one blurry person, I was drinking):
Dave 1: Collin, do you want to write an article about trade ideas, European recaps, or different alignment options?
ME: Can I swear fuckin’ at will?
Dave 2 (I think): I don’t care. We won’t pay you in any shape or form.
That, my friends, is how it happens in the old internet business.
This week we are shipping out a player who can’t mark a man in the box or spell his name right: Collen Warner. I should also warn you that these trades will neither be good nor make sense, but the title of this article should have served as a giant red flag. Let’s do this:
Seattle Sounders Trades: CDM Osvaldo Alonso
Minnesota United Trades: CDM Collen Warner plus some organic, free range TAM or some shit
Why Seattle Does It: This is all about opening up a DP slot for Keisuke Honda. Warner can fill in next to their “midfielder of the future™” Christian Roldan from day one and eventually allow their other “midfielder of the future™” Harry Wingo to take over. Boom, DP slot away, salary away, TAM to help pay Honda, and all with short-term and long-term plans covered. Fuckin’ genius, really.
Why Minnesota Does It: Warner sucks. He scored one lucky goal but can’t seem to mark a guy on dead balls to save his life (or Alvbåge’s MLS career). Alonso slots next to Cronin in Heath’s preferred 4-2-3-1 and can chase guys down while allowing Cronin to get a little higher up the pitch like he did in the win against the Rapids. This also forces Ibson to the bench as a 75th minute energy sub.
Why Seattle Doesn’t Do It: Alonso has been a Sounder for years and trading him for essentially roster relief will be a hard sell to fans. Honda better be standing on stage playing tonsil hockey with Lodeiro and Dempsey so everyone knows he’s super serious about MLS.
Why Minnesota Doesn’t Do It: Money? Money.
Finishing this strong like a pint of whiskey at Palmer’s, Seattle opens up a DP spot for a sexy player while getting short term cover and MNUFC gets an upgrade at CDM to cover the backline.
Make good choices.