Sexy European Roundup

A quick review of last weekend’s action and a look ahead to what’s on tap this weekend! Remember all times are CST because the Midwest is the bestest and there’s no East Coast bias here.

Dortmund v Hoffenheim – Hoffenheim scored a late penalty to make this a tighter match than the 2-1 BVB line actually felt. Dortmund now sit two points clear of the Champions League playoff spot with two games left and Hoffenheim will need Augsburg and Werder Bremen to steal at least four points from Dortmund or Hoffenheim will face the dreaded play-in to reach the Champions League. Unfortunately Augsburg is crap and Hoffenheim will need to go to Bremen and steal points (points that Werder absolutely need as they are still battling for a Europa spot themselves).

Juventus v Torino – Juve needed 92 minutes to get the equalizer in the Turin Derby as they clearly have their minds set on Champions League mid-week.

Barcelona v Villareal – Barcelona maintained their position atop La Liga with a 4 -1 win at the Camp Nou. MSN all scored again, begging the question: how in the holy fuck did this team get roundhouse kicked by Monaco in the Champions League? No seriously, I have questions!

AC Milan v Roma – Roma went into Milan and put on a fucking clinic, thrashing the AC version 4-1 on their home turf. The game was never in doubt for Roma who received a brace from Edin Dzeko in the first half. Roma is back in 2nd place in Serie A, one point clear of Napoli. AC Milan continue to free fall their way out of Europe and currently sit six points back of European competition next year.

Arsenal v Man United –Good job Arsene, on your way out the door you managed to finally beat a Jose Mourinho managed team. We are all happy for you! No, seriously, as a Liverpool fan this was the best possible result, presuming the Reds don’t fuck it up. This result was made all the better by former Man U man Danny Welbeck getting a goal in the second half.

Coming up this weekend!


Atalanta v AC Milan – There’s only one match worth watching in Europe on Saturday so it’s a good time to hang out with your family, remember your kids faces and stuff. And to be quite honest the only reason to watch this match is for the schadenfreude of watching AC Milan crash out of European qualification next year! An Atalanta victory would secure the fate of both teams. If the match ends in a draw it’s basically impossible for Milan to qualify so one would expect Milan to out their foot on the gas from the get-go, but let’s be real: this is Italian soccer so this game will probably end in a boring ass 0-0 draw, because Italian teams play good defense. /jerk-off motion


Giddy up, kiddos, because on Sunday we have some fun fucking games with some actual league and European qualification ramifications.

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United – You should get up at 6am, because you took care of your family yesterday, and watch all of the EPL action. Crystal Palace hosts Hull in a relegation battle, then at 8:15 West Ham hosts Liverpool. Liverpool still controls their Champions League destiny thanks to Man United shitting the bed against Arsenal on Sunday. Then at 10:30 Spurs host Man United for their last ever match at White Hart Lane. The Spurs have already secured Champions League and will probably have nothing to play for after Chelsea dispatches West Brom on Friday. Man United also really has nothing to play for as they have decided to focus on Europa and the Champions spot that goes with that, but if Arsenal and Liverpool also fecalate the bed, might Man U decide to go for it?

Real Madrid v Sevilla – You won’t have to wait long for a marquee matchup at 1pm. Real are coming off a loss to Atleti (they still made the CL Final on aggregate) and so they may have an impetus to rest some of their starters at the Bernabeu. Madrid sits in second behind Barca on goal differential and Sevilla is in 4th in the final CL playoff spot. If Sevilla snags a point they claim that spot. If they steal 3 and Atletico tailspins into the end of the year they could leapfrog them, but not bloody likely. Until their last match against Madrid, Sevilla had not won in 40 tries. I fully expect another streak to start on Sunday.

Roma v Juventus – Finally at 1:45, which is great because you can watch the first half of Madrid (see: four goals) and then switch over to this match. Roma is in second place 6 points behind first place Juve with only 3 games to go. Roma have all but assured themselves Champions League and Juve are coming off beating Monaco in a super dirty match and booking their spot in the CL Final. Juve are 3-1-1 in the last 5 vs. Roma, thought the last time they were in Rome, Roma came away 2-1 victors. Expect Juve to basically say fuck it and give their players some well deserved rest ahead of the actual big match in Cardiff in several weeks.


Remember: hang out with your family on Saturday and start drinking heavily very early on Mother’s Day. My suggestion is to call your Mom and tell her you don’t want to stand in long-ass brunch lines but rather would like to take her out for a nice early-bird dinner. You win by watching soccer and drinking all day and being the bad ass child who broke the Mother’s Day mold. Enjoy the matches y’all!

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