Team Of The Week: Pitch Invaders

In this new The Daves I Know weekly feature, our intrepid reporters scour [certain media-friendly parts of] the globe to compile the week’s very best. This week we showcase just why the US Open Cup is such an emotional tournament.

Crest of the week: Tartan Devils FC

After hours spent researching various news sources, interviewing numerous people under the condition of anonymity, and poring over dusty tomes, we have determined conclusively that the following image is a real image and not a shared hallucination clouding our collective consciousness. Behold the Tartan Devils FC crest:

There is a lot to digest here. Is that the Grateful Dead font? Why is the devil a baby? And why is the baby pregnant with a soccer ball? Which soccer ball impregnated the infant Beelzebub and should be whisked to jail immediately? Will the soccer ball also be born with flannel wings? As it turns out this is a great, community oriented club that fields men’s and women’s teams. But their haunting crest is just the start.

Pitch invader of the week: This Lady

I guess the Tartan Devils are not community oriented enough for some members of the community. During this week’s US Open Cup match between the plaid diablos and Derby City FC, a woman accosted the referees and demanded the game be stopped because the noise from the game (and the supporters) was keeping her kids awake.

One can hardly blame the woman. When one’s children shake their mom gently from a deep sleep, and in a plaintive voice whisper in unison “mom, we can’t sleep; we can’t stop hearing the devils…” you hop up and rush the field. The game was allowed to continue and ended with the Tartan Devils being dispatched.

Worst pitch invader of the week: This Guy

Not everyone was quite so successful at ruining everyone’s evening. Moments before this crazed gunman stormed the pitch and opened laser fire on the probably 1,000 people in Houston’s BBVA Compass stadium, he was apprehended by stadium security:

The crew’s efforts were for naught, however, as the stormtrooper almost certainly would have missed everything he shot at.

Filthiest dance move of the week: Sergio Buckets

There was not a dry eye on the opponents’ faces, and not a dry panty in the stands, when Sergio Biscuits dropped this mic:

I guess they don’t call him Sargento Baskets for nothing!

Most generous player of the week: Callum Irving

Presented without comment. Except for that first part I just wrote.

Save of the week: Bill Hamid

Saves come in all shapes and sizes. Some of the best saves don’t even look spectacular but are just the product of great footwork and technique. Others require a goalkeeper to stand on his or her head and make the impossible reality, to dare us to dream. Bill Hamid lifts our eyes to higher heavens than that.

Did you see that save, kids? Why, he just saved Philadelphia’s season! And there is no harder save in the world than that.

Author: David Martin

Writing for and Propagator of soccer satire. @offensive_loons on Twitter and Reddit.

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