MLS Precap Week 11 Or 12, Whatever, Mid-Week Edition

Fuck there are a lot of midweek games this week. That being said, we’re gonna break this column up in to two parts. Today we’ll preview the Wednesday games. Come back on Friday for the rest of the games. So without further ado…


Philadelphia v Houston – The Union are finally on a roll after more or less shitting the bed for the better part of a year and what a helluva roll it is, 7 goals in the last 2 games is almost half of the 15 they’ve scored all year. In fact Philly has a +1 GD in spite of only averaging 1 PPG. CJ Sapong being a top-five active MLS goalscorer right now just portends that MLS will be a Top 5 League in CONCACAF by 2020. Philly hasn’t scored a goal against the Dynamo in over three years, though – let that shit sink in. Houston wins 2-0

Chicago v Colorado – The OG Dumpster Fire hosts the 2017 version of a Dumpster Fire. Which Dumpster Fire will blaze hottest (which, let’s be fair, is not a good thing)? A visit from San Jose does not cure all and Chicago has appeared to right the ship, at least temporarily. 2-1 to the OG Fire.

Sporting KC v Seattle – A game that many had circled at the beginning of the season as a pretty important one has gone to a complete non-starter. KC has given up more goals in the last two matches than they had in their previous nine. The Sounders needed three goals late to manage a draw at home against the Revolution, dropped three points to Toronto FC, and got fucking worked on the road in front of 200 people in Chicago (well, not technically Chicago). Seattle is behind MNUFC in points and that’s not changing after tonight! Sporting KC 2-0

RSL v NYCFC – It’s the Book of Mormon Rent in a game that will surely feel like it’s lasted 525,600 minutes. NYCFC is second only to Atlanta in goals scored from open play and RSL’s defense is more or less Swiss cheese. The RSL fans will be hiding behind their special sheets as David Villa will probably net two, causing lust to permeate the Rio Tinto. NYCFC 3-1

San Jose v Orlando – This game will be kicking off at 10:30 EST so all of the Orlando fans will be either in bed (because they are old) or high (because they are stuck working at Disney World as characters in the park), so this game will probably get about 1000 people watching it on TV. Which, if we’re being fair, is far too many eyeballs in what will be a shitfest. 1-1 Draw.

There you have it. Don’t waste time watching any of these crap matches, though the KC-SEA match might be alright. So sit back, have a beer, and watch some Stanley Cup Playoffs instead!


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