Sexy European Roundup: The Sun Never Sets On The Empire

Were you not entertained last weekend? Chelsea clinched the EPL title on Friday and Bayern scored three unanswered goals to knock of RB Leipzig on the road on Saturday. And fuck, we didn’t even talk about those matches, so what happened with all of the awesome matches I told you to check out?

Atalanta v AC Milan – AC Milan, who needed a win and some help to qualify for Europa could only manage a draw at Atalanta, pretty much securing a year of mediocrity. Perhaps they can pull a Chelsea and steal Antonio Con… oh wait, that’s Inter Milan. Well AC Milan is totally fucked; have fun with that every other Serie A fan!

Tottenham Hotspur v Manchester United – Let’s just call this Sunday roundup! Hull got fucking worked by Big Sam and Crystal Palace and secured their place in the Championship next year. Liverpool bossed West Ham around the field in London but almost gave up an equalizer right before half but for Ayewu slamming a ball into the post twice from 12 inches away. Fucking Hammers! Finally White Hart Lane was lit af! After a Wayne Rooney equalizer early in the second half, ‘Arry Kane gave Spurs fans one final reason to cheer at the Lane, which they might want to remember because the Spurs have like a 20% fucking win percentage at their new home for the next two years, Wembley.

Real Madrid v Sevilla – This was the last potential Liga trip up for Real. They blasted through Sevilla 4-1 and once they dispatch Celta Vigo on Wednesday they will have the league more or less wrapped up.

Roma v Juventus – Juve couldn’t secure the title after losing 3-1 in Rome. Juve went up 1-0 early, but Roma battled back for three unanswered goals and kept their very faint title hopes alive.

Coming up this weekend

A bunch of shit really! Like really so much shit, like not even good shit, but the shittiest of shit. Like absolute shit, piled upon absolute shit. Not saying you shouldn’t watch it though, so let’s just walk you through each of the leagues and highlight like the four games you should pay attention to.

Ligue 1 – Don’t watch French soccer unless you want to see which players Monaco is going to sell off this summer.

Serie A – Both Roma and Napoli have very outside chances at catching Juventus. All Juve needs, though, is two points in two matches for the title. More importantly Atalanta just needs one point (or zero points and to not surrender a +9 GD against AC Milan) to knock off a once historic club that hasn’t won shit in a long fucking time from even the basest of European competitions.

La Liga – Alright now it starts to get interesting. The La Liga title is wrapped up for Real Madrid and the rest of the CL spots are wrapped up. However, there are two Europa spots and three teams vying for them. Villareal (64 points) travels to Valencia, who have won two in a row. Athletic Club visit Atletico who have absolutely nothing to play for and Real Sociedad travel to Celta Vigo who just lost a heartbreaker to Man U in the Europa semis and have been in a downward spiral for a month. Could Sociedad leap frog one of the two teams ahead of them? Probably not.

Bundesliga – German soccer is fun all year until you remember that Bayern is going to win the league in March and then you stop paying attention. Well, it took until May for that to actually happen and there are still some fun battles in the Deutschland. Both Dortmund and Hoffenheim have qualified for Champions League next year, it’s just a matter of who is playing a play-in round. They are both on 61 points but BVB has the edge in GD. Dortmund hosts Werder Bremen, who themselves have an outside shot at Europa qualification. Meanwhile Hoffenheim host Augsburg. Augsburg is not safe from relegation and a point should be enough, so expect them to be fighting.

EPL – Alright, we’ve finally come to this. As most of you know, because only ex-pats and fucking Europhiles read this website, the only thing that matters is the EPL, so bully for you. As a matter of fact, the EPL has made the last weekend downright boring but for three matches, and really only two. Chelsea won the league last week before anyone else kicked off and the relegation teams were also decided last weekend. That leaves us with three teams vying for two Champions League spots and a whole host of tie-breaking one-off scenarios, which probably scares all Gooners to death. City could possibly not qualify for CL but that would take a massive Claudio Bravo brainfart…oh wait. Liverpool control their destiny with a home dance against already relegated and 2nd-from-bottom Middlesbrough, but we all know how many points LFC have dropped to bottom-nine teams, so let’s not count those chickens. On the other hand Arsenal gets Everton at the Emirates and how willing are the Blues to play spoilers on behalf of their compatriots across the road? Not much, methinks, and let’s all hope for my own personal sanity that LFC find a way to nutmeg Brad Guzan two or three more times.

Either way I’ll be drunk on Sunday, with delirium or sorrow. Hit me up for hugs or sads!

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