In my Tuesday segment I covered a few of the reasons that Galaxy players and staff may be jealous of Minnesotans when they come to visit, but I’ve got a whole lot of vinegar in me and I really hate Los Angeles so here’s a whole piece dedicated to letting me vent it all out.
There are two places in the United States that I will never go. The first is Las Vegas and the second is Los Angeles. I also said on Tuesday that LA was in the desert and that’s not true. But don’t think for one second that anyone would want to visit that area of the country if people hadn’t insisted on putting a city there and started sucking up all the water from the neighboring states. If a city doesn’t have enough water and it’s hot all the time, stop fucking moving there. I don’t care if your high school theater teacher thought your performance in Grease was “just the beginning.” Although I’m sure there’s tons of time to really perfect the art of mouthing “peas and carrots” for your “featured extra” part on Two and a Half Men when it takes three hours to go seven miles anywhere in the city. How are they getting a second (third really; RIP Chivas) franchise?
And now to the actual team. How about those league-record five championships? Congratulations on being one of two or three American cities that all your late-career European stars can find on a map. What an achievement it is to lure David Beckham and Zlatan to your podunk little town on the coast. I’m sure signing Steven Gerrard was a real struggle after you told him California gets more than eight sunny days a year. Not to mention the added benefit of the league changing the rules just so you could sign Beckham. Five championships is super impressive when I think about all the obstacles this team has to overcome just to get good players.
That being said, this year’s roster is pretty much trash. The closest thing to Becks this season is Ashley Cole, who’s about three weeks from his 90th birthday and I actually forgot he was still playing. There’s the technically-European Jermaine Jones, but it seems harsh to pick on him because he’ll miss this weekend’s game as he’s suspended agai- no sorry, he’s injured this time. Giovani dos Santos is decent but I’m convinced he came to MLS to turn the difficulty mode on his career down a setting because La Liga is hard. Finally, there’s Gyasi Zardes. If you search “Gyasi Zardes highlights” the top result is a grainy two minute compilation of questionable goalkeeping that would probably still pop up if you were to search “MLS-quality defending.”
If I could make a deal with MLS where I have to watch Minnesota United finish last and get outscored by an average of five goals per game so that the Galaxy never win another championship in front of those sedated fans of theirs, I would have done it immediately after the Atlanta game.