Hello, folks, and welcome to the first edition of The Filthy Casual, a place where all the most ill-informed, lukewarm takes of the soccer world come together in one disgusting stew. There’s no time to waste, so let’s get right to it.
The US Soccer Foundation picked up a large cotton sack filled with $46 million after Copa América Centenario, giving them a little over $100 million to play with. That leads to our first item of the day:
What should the USSF do with that sweet, sweet cash?
- Literal golden boots: Sure, they’ll slow players down, cause broken toes and sprained ankles, and get stolen almost immediately by Donald Trump. But that’s the price of fashion, baby.
- Upgrade the existing contract with Nike to the “No, Seriously, Design a Non-Shitty Jersey” tier.
- A pair of glasses for every referee, so players can knock them off the ref’s faces after making bad calls. Take that, nerds.
- A marketing campaign to promote youth soccer to parents concerned about concussions in American football — “Soccer: Don’t Worry, The Injuries Are Fake, Except All The Ones That Aren’t.”
- Throw a party celebrating that soccer is no longer buried under the “More” tab on ESPN’s website. We made it!
- A Scrooge-McDuck-style vault filled with coins for swimming. For, uh, training purposes.
For our list item, we’ll turn our attention to another regular feature of The Filthy Casual.
The Minnesota Sports Misery Index (MSMI)
If you live in Minnesota, one of the states adjacent to Minnesota, or any place in the world vaguely aware of the place called Minnesota, you know that misery is one of the most enduring themes of our professional sports. I will collate, aggregate, and extricate the deep data from Minnesota’s non-soccer* professional sports teams from the last two weeks and will summarize it on a simple spectral-gradient rating scale from violet to chartreuse.
In a remarkable turn of events, the Twins currently sit atop the AL Central. Minnesotans can rest easy knowing that this won’t last long, and they can go back to being comfortably depressed soon enough.
Vikings coach Mike Zimmer will take some time off after his most recent eye surgery. The fans can deeply empathize with Coach Z, many of whom gouged their eyes out during the last season to avoid watching any more games.
The Lynx are off to a 3-0 start, because once again they are the only professional team in Minnesota not constantly tripping over their own ass.
The current MSMI score is: lilac.
Handy Tip! Don’t ever plant lilacs in your yard unless you plan on using C4 to remove them years later when you want to change your landscaping.
That’s it for this edition of the Filthy Casual. Tune in next time for the premier of Dungeons & Drogbas, where I make soccer even harder to understand by putting it in D&D terms!
*The MSMI only covers non-soccer misery. For soccer-induced Minnesotan misery, please see literally anywhere else on this site. They’ve got it covered.