Drunk Trades: The Dankest Way To Fix Portland And Colorado

Welcome back! These fuckers let me write another one of these rambling pieces of garbage. Today we’re setting our sights on two of the places which have legalized weed and the lawless anarchy of dog and Subaru ownership that comes with it: Portland and Colorado.

Why these two teams? Portland is on the fucking precipice of being a dominant team, except they gave up three god damn goals to San Jose. San Jose! The Quakes can’t even score in bumper bowling! The Timbers need defensive help now. Luckily, the Best Defensive Team in 2016™ Colorado Rapids already gave away two of their best defensive players – Marc Burch and, more importantly, Sam Cronin (otherwise known as what David Martin would look like if he was athletic (fake editor note: that’s true!) (real editor’s note: I’m ashamed to admit that he’s correct – DM) – to Minnesota for Mo Saeid’s functional-ish legs and the promise of an old fashioned from Amero-Scandinavian temptress Josh Gatt. What the fuck am I rambling about? Oh yeah, Colorado needs to throw in the towel on 2017 and build for the future, while Portland needs to go for the MLS Cup now.

Portland Trades: F Jeremy Ebobisse, 2018 MLS Draft 1st round pick, and some GAM because somehow Axel Sjöberg is making less than Ebobisse.

Colorado Trades: CB Axel Sjöberg

Why Portland Does It: This is all about the now for the Timbros. They get a proven MLS defender coming back from injury in the next few weeks. He can slot in as soon as healthy and should be ready to start. Ebobisse is a luxury product behind an attacking unit with Diego Valeri, Darlington Nagbe, Darren Mattocks, and Fanendo Adi. The 2018 draft pick will be very low in the first round and is essentially worthless to the Joey Timbers.

Why Colorado Does It: They can pack in 2017 and build for the future. Ebobisse slots up top with Kevin Doyle behind and Alan Gordon can take his Hoverround® to the bench. Meanwhile, Kortne Ford (I swear he spells his first name like an Instagram model) can continue his maturation as a Homegrown Player and play next to Jared Watts for the next six years. The 2018 draft pick is incentive to go young and add another piece or use as trade bait for some TAM/GAM next year.

Why Portland Doesn’t Do It: Sjöberg is coming off a fairly significant Achilles injury. It didn’t work out for the guy they named the body part after and Sjöberg might never regain his MLS form. It also creates a logjam at CB in 2018 when injured CB Gbenga Arokoyo comes back from injury, but they can dry their tears with the second MLS Cup banner hanging in Providence Park.

Why Colorado Doesn’t Do It: It’s a giant fucking Dido-sized white flag on 2017. Ford looked like a younger Vadim Demidov in his first start, though he has the size and talent to get better. Centennial 38 might start burning effigies of Stan Kroenke, as well.

Let’s wrap this up; Daddy’s got more beer to drink. Portland gives up a luxury attacking piece and a useless draft pick for an established defender coming off injury in their position of need. Colorado gets a striker that could bang in goals for the next ten years and jump starts their youth movement. Let’s roll a joint the dice and make it happen.

Make good choices.

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