MLS Precap Week 13

FC Dallas gets two games this week and the Montreal Impact gets zero games, which is perfectly MLS. God, I fucking hate MLS!


Chicago Fire v FC Dallas Burn – Chicago has had Dallas’s number of late winning four of the last five and Dallas hasn’t won in Chicago in over five years. Bastian Schweinsteiger made DC United look like fools last week, but don’t expect that to go over with the Burn. FC Dallas wins 2-1.


Toronto FC v Columbus Crew – The Torontos are leading the Supporters Shield race right now but they dropped points against the Red Bulls and lost away to Ottawa in the first leg of the Canadian Cuppity Cup. The Crew are yo-yoing as well and currently sit in 5th place in the East. Expect a barn burner and not actually a burning barn in some ramshackle Columbus suburb. Toronto FC 3-2.


Seattle Sounders v Portland Timbers – The Sounders and Timbros get together in the most recent edition of the Cascadia Cup and they’ll get together again in a couple weeks for the Open Cup. These teams truly hate one another. Seattle seems to have righted the ship and the Timbros are in a swoon. Seattle 4-1.

Vancouver Whitecaps v DC United – DC United has yet to score in May, their last goal coming in a 3-1 victory back on April 30th against a different United. The Whitecaps have been mediocre, but the DC Uniteds have been downright atrocious. Whitecaps 1-0.

New York Red Bulls v New England Revolution – The Jersey boys have been dreadful for the past month and the Revolution have been on a roll and scoring lots of goals along the way. The Revolution have yet to win away from Foxboro and I don’t seem them reversing that trend. Red Bulls 3-1

Colorado Rapids v Sproting KC – Before an early meeting this year, the Rapids had KC’s number the year before winning all 4 matches. The Rapids of this year are definitely not the Rapids of last year and KC already has a 3-1 win back in April. KC is still on top in the West but their defense has come back to Earth. Sproting 2-0

Minnesota United v Orlando City – It’s Pride Night in Minnesota and the first match against Inchy’s former flame. Orlando, in spite of their early season success, have yet to keep a clean sheet on the road and I don’t expect them to this week either as Ramirez shows Cyle (who the fuck spells their name that way?) Larin who’s boss and bags a Ramirez hat trick (that’s two goals in the opposing team’s net and one into your own for those uninitiated). MNUFC 3-1.

Real Salt Lake v Philadelphia Union – Philly has been the hottest team in MLS over the last month winning four in a row after not having won a match in over 240 days. But for a win two weeks ago, Real has been one of the worst teams in MLS but they have better at home. Philly also weirdly has scored seven headed goals, the most in MLS. Expect a couple more of those this week. Union 3-1.

San Jose Earthquakes v LA Galaxy – This is going to be a crap game. The Galaxy have won two in a row on the road, the Earthquakes have yet to lose at home, and the longest open bar in the world will be rocking after the Earthquakes win 4-2.


Atlanta United v New York City FC  – NYCFC won the first (and only) meeting between the two earlier this month on the baseball diamond in New York. Now the two get to meet on a football field in Georgia. NYCFC has been one of the best road teams in MLS over the course of the last 12 months and given Atlanta’s proclivity to go down to ten men often I foresee another road win for NYCFC, 2-1.

FC Dallas v Houston Dynamo – FC Dallas was the last team to be unbeaten in MLS and that went away with a 1-0 home loss to San Jose. Houston has been complete and utter shit on the road. Expect Dallas to get another homestreak going and curb stomp Houston. FC Dallas 3-0.

And there you have it. Enjoy the weekend and raise a pint for MLS soccer.

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