Trash Talk: Orlando City Edition

This week’s edition of Trash Talk is much tougher to write than the debut because no one knows anything about Orlando, or really even cares. This is a city I’ve actually been to, but just like everyone else, it was to go to Disney World. I do, however, remember passing an area roughly the size of a Bloomington business park, which I’m fairly certain was what they’d consider downtown Orlando. The biggest industries there seem to be club promoting and talking down to tourists. If the most interesting thing about your city is a fictional princess’s castle, you don’t get to feel superior to the children visiting it. Also, why do you live in Florida? Why does anyone live in Florida? What a fun thing it must be to always be sweaty and covered in bug bites. I worry on a weekly basis that after the ice caps melt and flood the whole peninsula these lunatics will move here just to see what a second season feels like.

Back to Orlando. Don Garber looked at what a rousing success the Magic had been over 20 years and thought that it would be a perfect spot for MLS, “promoting” the city’s USL PRO team. They swapped out the old logo (which looked like one for a show about lions who had escaped a zoo and went to Orlando) for a vintage-MLS clipart crest, found a Brazillionaire investor, and formed a USL side; everything you need to be successful in this league! They’ve been such a cookie cutter team for the league that no one really has any opinions on them. So congratulations on being the most forgettable team in the standings.

Adrian Heath was the head coach in Orlando for about eight years, leading the team to five USL trophies and the most successful season an MLS expansion team has ever had. He got fired in the middle of one mediocre year as if Orlando City was the Dallas Cowboys of central Florida. Their dumbass hubris is our gain though, even if Inchy wouldn’t have been on the sideline for this weekend’s game.

Cyle Larin has been drawing a lot of comparisons to Christian Ramirez in the last week, and while the stats are very similar, Cyle looks like he’d be a better fit in a Boyz II Men cover group than on a soccer team. And what kind of Canadian fuckery is up with spelling Kyle with a C? At least the kid will get a few Boy Scout badges helping Kaka cross the field. That guy has it made these days. All the humidity of being back home in Brazil, but with literally none of the pressure to perform. The rest of the team is a who’s who of “Who? Who?” other than Giles Barnes who miraculously doesn’t take up an international slot even though he was born in London and plays on the Jamaican national team. At least he’s proving that English players don’t have to be old to be washed up and playing like they are old and washed up in this league.

So here’s to Orlando City. I hope this weekend goes by fast so I can go back to forgetting that Florida has an MLS team.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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