MLS Precap Mid-Week 14: Hey, Int’l Break, so let’s Cram as many Games as Possible into this Week Edition

Because MLS is a second-tier professional soccer league that due to geography and weather needs to play its games on a different schedule, and because some teams suck and decide to schedule matches over International breaks, we are “blessed” with more mid-week soccer. Four games, in fact! So let’s dive into these mid-week matches and come back on Friday for the rest of the dumb matches!

Columbus Crew v Seattle Sounders – Seattle flies to the Rust Belt to take on the Columbus Crew in the 6th best city in Ohio (give or take Akron). The Crew have lost more games than any other Eastern Conference team yet are currently in 6th place in the Eastern Conference. While the Crew are reeling (including a 5-0 ass kicking up in Toronto), the Sounders have rebounded from a slow start. Two 1-0 wins (granted, at home) have them on a better path, but again the Sounders have been shit on the road and the Crew a very good home team. I expect a Crew win 3-1.

New York City FC v New England Revolution – The Revolution visit the House that Frank Lampard, err, I mean Ruth, err, I mean a crazy Steinbrenner holding NYC hostage built. The Revolution are one of four teams without a road win, the Rapids, Loons, and Dynamo being the others. That said the Rev are 3-1-1 against NTCFC in their last five, including an away win in Yankee Stadium. In a battle of whether soccer should be played in baseball or football stadiums, well, nobody wins. Let’s call this a 1-1 draw.

Orlando City SC v DC United – What is purple and white and red all over? You might think it’s a Zebra asphyxiating, but you’d be wrong. It’s actually the Orlando City SC team absolutely shitting the bed at a most inopportune time. The Lions have been outscored 11-3 in their last five including dropping five of six points in their formerly unimpenetrable home pitch. On the other hand, nothing cures a STD-ridden defense like a visit from DC United. So . . . 2-1 to the Lions.

Houston Dynamo v Real Salt Lake – Ugh, okay, Houston is surprisingly second in the West, mostly due to a home form that is best in the Western Conference. Real Salt Lake is, well, a Major League soccer team that still employs Chris Wondolowski, so that’s a thing, I guess. The Dynamo took two of three from RSL last year and based on their respective forms I expect a Cubo Torres brace and nothing else. 2-0 Dynamo.

Weirdly (actually not weirdly), the mid-week games have sucked balls this year, so don’t expect much from these matches. Go home after work, make love to your partner, enjoy a glass of red wine, celebrate one of the Dave’s births, or whatever the hell else you’d do on a Wednesday night. Just please, for the love of god, do not watch MLS soccer. Unless of course you are a soccer fiend, then whatever gets you hard, my friends.

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