MLS Week 14 Precap: Goin’ to KC Edition

Well, someone apparently broke, so instead of the fun snark and stats you usually get, this will just be me riffing for the 3 minutes I spend writing this!


Portland Timbers v San Jose Earthquakes – Portland and San Jose are currently fifth and fourth, respectively, in the Western Conference. Also of fun note the Home Team is 5-0-0 in the last five matches between these two teams, so by the Transitive Property, Timbers win 2-0.


New York City FC v Philadelphia Union – City host the Union in the first Saturday match of the weekend. NYCFC is 3-1-2 in their last five against the Union including a 2-0 victory in Philadelphia back in April. On the other hand, the Union are the second best in-form team at 4-1-1, but have dropped points in their last two. Expect that depressing trend to continue as NYCFC rolls 3-1 and the Union return to the familiarity of the dumpster fire sooner rather than later.

Sporting KC v Minnesota United FC – The Loons travel to Kansas City  (not Kansas City) to play at the Rock and Roll Speedway Gambletron Park in Kansas. Loons took advantage of a makeshift backline up in Minnesota a month ago and thanks to International call-ups will be facing a makeshift backline again. On the other hand, the MNUFC backline will feature either Jermaine Taylor or Vadim Demidov, so all bets are off in this one. 3-3 draw.

Vancouver Whitecaps v Atlanta United – Can they really kickoff 3 straight games in a row featuring teams called United? I didn’t think that was in the ever-changing MLS bylaws! Either way both of these teams are currently below the red line but just barely. I have literally no clue which of the two teams each of them seem to be will show up so let’s call this one a 2-2 draw. Since we had no draws last week, we’ll probably have a bunch this week.

DC United v LA Galaxy – The Galaxy make their biannual trek to Swamp Town and their 3-1-1 recent head-to-head record in the last 5 meetings. The Galaxy are currently the fourth best in-form team in the league and the DCs are trending downwards. Expect a 2-2 draw.

Montreal Impact v New York Red Bulls – The Red Bulls travel to Poutine Town. They have been largely unsuccessful in Montreal and despite points in their last two matches, I expect them to drop all three points to the worst team in the Eastern Conference. 2-1 Montreal.

New England Revolution v Toronto FC – The hottest team in the league travels south to New England (seriously, New England is a dumb name for a region) to take on the most mediocre team in the league. The Revs ship goals like a sieve and Toronto scores them like, I don’t know, a thing that scores a lot of goals. Toronto FC 4-1

FC Dallas v Real Salt Lake – Dallas is in a bit of a swoon taking only two points out of their last 12, but nothing cleanses the pubic region like a visit from the anti-lice shampoo of the MLS, Real Salt Lake. FC Dallas 3-0.

Colorado Rapids v Columbus Crew – The Crapids host the Columbus Crew in the final match on Saturday evening. Both teams are on the same form of 2-0-3. Colorado is 2-0-1 in their last three home matches and 1-0-2 in their last three away matches. Rapids win 2-1.


Orlando City SC v Chicago Fire – Orlando City bounced back mid-week after a very disappointing match last week against MNUFC. The Fire are one of the hottest teams in the league at 4-1-0 in their last five. These teams have often played to draws and because the Fire have everyone back on the hype train, it’s just a matter of time before they slam on the brakes and throw everyone off again. So, let’s call this a 2-2 draw.

Seattle Sounders v Houston Dynamo – I for the goddamn life of me cannot figure out how and why MLS would let the Sounders schedule a 10pm EST kick off, even if the game is in Seattle. Fuck, it’s not like this was being played in the shit hole that is Houston! I just can’t even! Seattle wins 3-1.

Well there you have it, some very strange scheduling choices this week, especially considering that there is an International Break approaching. Also keep an eye on the Daves I Know twitter feed this weekend. Both of the Daves will be bussing down to Gambletron Park to take in the Sporting v Loons match, live, in-person and together. There will be lots of beer on the bus, beer, tequila and BBQ at the tailgate and even more beer on the bus home. All of this in a tight 22-hour window. Things might get weird!

Talk to y’all next week!

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