Sexy European Roundup: Only One Match Matters Edition

All the cups, or the ones we care about

So, last week we had some cups. Let’s briefly review who brought home some hardware this year.

Scottish FA Cup, Celtic v Aberdeen – Celtic completed the domestic treble by beating second place Aberdeen 2-1. Fuck Brendan Rodgers! [Editor’s note: again, the writer’s Liverpool bias comes out against the Celtic manager.]

FA Cup Final, Arsenal v Chelsea – Arsenal prevailed 2-1 thanks to Aaron Ramsey. Also, hooray for Arsenal fans. You get two more years of Arsene Wenger, which is a real bummer because Dortmund just shit-canned Thomas Tuchel (see below).

DFB-Pokal Final, Eintracht Frankfurt v Borussia Dortmund – a 1-2 win for Dortmund and for Americans who weren’t already fully erect by the likes of Christian Pulisic — well, what the fuck are you waiting for? The kid is the real deal, and this is his first major international trophy. Weirdly, manager Thomas Tuchel and Dortmund decided to part ways on Wednesday.

Coupe de France, Angers SCO v Paris Saint-Germain – PSG needed an Angers own goal in the 91′ to triumph in Paris this year, the less said about this game the better.

Copa Del Rey, Barcelona v Deportivo Alavés – Barça managed some silverware to salvage their shitty season and then hired Ernesto Valverde to take them to the hypothetical next level.

EFL Promotion final, Reading v Huddersfield Town – Finally, on Monday morning “The Richest Match in Football” took place at Wembley. Huddersfield Town is managed by German-American, Jürgen Klopp bestie David Wagner. They qualified as the third and final team promoted from the Championship to the EPL proper, without actually scoring a goal during the playoffs. That “not scoring thing” should be fun for them and the rest of EPL fans next year.

Champions League Final, Juventus v Real Madrid – This is the only match that matters this weekend. Juve and Madrid have clashed 18 times before but only in one final, which Madrid won 1-0 back in 1998. If Madrid wins, they will be the first back-to-back winners since AC Milan. Juve are the only unbeaten team in the 2016-17 Champions League. Madrid doesn’t really play defense, and all Juve does is play defense so, unstoppable force meet immovable object. I’ll be drinking in Kansas City during this match [Editor: also, Liverpool isn’t playing], so I don’t actually care who wins!

There are literally no other matches of note in Europe this weekend, and don’t give me any of this Friendly bullshit.

The Puppy Rumor Mill

We’ve actually started to see some signings, but you didn’t come here for actual fucking news. Let’s get weird with some rumors.

Every fucking big team in Europe has been linked with Mbappe, but no one is asking the Monaco kid where he wants to go. Well, apparently it is Real Madrid, in spite of Pep and Manchester City’s apparent interest.

Antoine Griezmann wants out of Atlético Madrid, but the club is probably less-than-keen on selling him, or anyone, from their roster due to FIFA upholding their summer transfer ban.

Roma and Egyptian National winger Mohamed Salah has been linked to Liverpool, because that is precisely what Liverpool needs another fucking winger. Hey, Klopp, if James Milner is your starting Left Back in Champions League, you’re going to end up crashing out of Europa League.

That’s all. Let’s raise a pint and get ready for 90+ days of nothing in European football but baseless rumors!

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