Well, the Loons are heading down to Kansas City to play Sporting, and if it seems like we just played these guys, it’s because we did so less than a month ago for hashtag Rivalry Week. Because nothing says rivalry like two teams that play six and half hours away from each other and have met a handful of times in the past five years, only once in the same league. That being said, I had to avoid Twitter after our first MLS meeting because my doctor told me I need to cut down on salt. Sporting Kansas City may be leading the Western Conference, but they lost to the worst MLS team in history, and their fans acted like it.
This is two weeks in a row where Minnesota plays a team from a town so unremarkable that this writing gig actually seems like work. First of all, have you ever been to either of the Kansas Cities? It doesn’t matter which, you’ve wasted your time either way. Why are there two of them ten minutes away from each other? As far as I can tell, there are three big things to do in KCK. You can watch cars race; you can watch wheat grow; or you can eat barbecue. And fuck off with the barbecue. That’s not a tourist attraction, especially when the best one is named after a different state: Oklahoma Joe’s. Literally, anyone can cook meat and put sauce on it. What do you have to attract people that can’t be shipped in an 18-wheeler?
Now, to the actual team: Matt Besler and Graham Zusi won’t be there because they got U.S. national team call-ups. But they played like they weren’t there last time, so it’ll be pretty much the same. That’s too bad on my end though, because I can’t make fun of Zusi for looking like he chased the woolly mammoth he was hunting onto the pitch, and they accidentally handed him a jersey. Never mind, nailed it. Speaking of the call-ups, Benny Feilhaber should be around with SKC for this one. You may remember him from such U.S. classics as, “Losing to Ghana” and “Getting a National Team Snub and Blaming it on Klinsmann Instead of His Declining Skills.”
Dom Dwyer is the villain we need to make this an actual rivalry. Sydney, post a photo of your kid on Instagram if Dom’s holding you against your will. You don’t seem to know he’s the actual worst.
Latif Blessing’s name has already been joked to death by the meerkats running the Cauldron’s twitter account. It is basically a sports section headline writer’s wet dream of a name, but I’m not going for that low-hanging fruit. I have to leave that for Blessing because he can’t reach the higher fruit.
So, enjoy the rivalry that everyone is trying so hard to convince you exists. Personally, I’m hoping they save something for the U.S. Open Cup game. Eleven days later. In the same place. Against the same Sporting Kansas City.
P.S. If you used to support the Wizards/Sporting . . . whatever. But we have an MLS team now. Sell your jerseys, and get off the damn fence.