Team Of The Week: Never Change

It had been unclear for some time, but finally we have definitive proof: if you spend an unsustainable and sacrilegious amount of money on soccer players, you can find some success. Real Madrid delivered the UEFA Champion’s League title back to soccer’s favorite monarchy on the back of two goals by a man so in love with himself he could not suppress his swelling erection as he modeled for a bronze statue of himself, but was clearly upset when he was presented with a bronze bust of Carl Craig. But not all the football was as beautiful as all that. Let us celebrate the real fun; here is the very best of the week.

Nah, don’t call him up for the Gold Cup of the week: Ike Opara

Readers faithful to Minnesota United were quick to wring hands over the snub of Christian Ramirez from the USMNT Gold Cup roster, and there is a case to be made for their angst. But no one went so unfairly overlooked as Mr. Ike Opara.

That would be Ike “only allowed more than one goal a single time while on the field this year” Opara. We are talking about Ike “how did Kansas City’s other center back, Matt Besler, make this roster but not this guy” Opara. That’s Ike “we can’t bring in John Brooks or Geoff Cameron but trust me we totally have enough depth at center back somehow for him to not even make the extremely preliminary 40 man roster” Opara. That would be this Ike Opara:

This, this is why the terrorists hate America.

Goal of the week: Mario Mandzukic

The UEFA Champions League final was not a lot of fun for Juventus. But for a moment the two sides were tied and hope lived in the hearts of The Old Lady after Mario Mandzukic held the Z trigger on this Super Mario 64 jump kick:

Less thrilling but good on her goal of the week: Sarah Bouhaddi

The men had the better championship this week, I’m sorry to say it. While Real Madrid went giddy with goals on Saturday, Lyon and Paris Saint Germain trudged to a goalless draw through extra time. But penalties, just or not, are always good for some sweaty palms, and the UEFA Women’s Champions League final went all the way to sudden death kicks. That’s when Lyon goalkeeper Sarah Bouhaddi stepped up and sealed the treble for Lyon and their second consecutive Champions league title:

As of press time, no one has been able to determine why she kept her gloves on for the kick.

Christmas confection flavor of the week: Nutmeg

Tie – Dubious red card of the week: Ted Unkel

Crazy Unkel Ted was at it again on Sunday, having too much to drink at Thanksgiving, borrowing money from relatives that he never planned to repay, and delivering this straight red card:

Perhaps next time players will think twice before playing the ball and then making polite contact with an opponent. On the bright side, Unkel was immediately inducted into the PRO Referees hall of fame after the game for his performance, a ceremony he had ample time to attend when he refused to address the logic behind his officiating. Ah, crazy Unkel Ted.

Tie – Dubious red card of the week: Mohammed Abdulla Mohammed

It is important when dealing with kids to be firm with discipline, as they will always try to test you and push boundaries. That is why referee Mohammed Abdulla Mohammed sent a clear message to English U20 player Josh Onomah that if he sees him making routine soccer plays he is going to have to pay the  price:

Carlos Rivas of the week: Carlos Rivas

If one analyzes a shot chart for Carlos Rivas, this is the circle closest to the goal and the shot closest to the frame that you will find:

Person most likely to end a smartass article on a positive note: David Martin

MLS tugged its own member with this post early Monday, but it was a nice reminder that for every Carlos Rivas hero shot, MLS has .18 fun moments worth celebrating. Let’s see what being a top league in the world by 2020 looks like in 2017:

Author: David Martin

Writing for and Propagator of soccer satire. @offensive_loons on Twitter and Reddit.

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