Welcome back to The Filthy Casual, where I offer a novel take on soccer relative to everything else on this site, mostly by talking about it as little as possible.
As you know, it can sometimes be hard to make people understand (or even care) about the goings-on of football. And that, my friends, is when inspiration struck: what better lens to make sense of the insular and often inscrutable world of soccer than an even more insular and inscrutable game?
Dungeons and Drogbas
Yes, I’m aware Didier Drogba is no longer the hot, topical blog-post commodity he once was. Go to hell. Or, more appropriately, you and up to eight other willing creatures holding hands in a linked circle can plane shift yourselves to the Lower Planes of Existence.
On the subject of hell, Cristiano Ronaldo recently clarified that he was not, in fact, a devil. “Come on, check my alignment,” he replied. “I’m Chaotic Evil, not Lawful, which means I’m obviously a demon.” And if his brace in Real Madrid’s 4-1 victory on Saturday isn’t clear evidence that Juventus’ party cleric fumbled their dispel magic roll, I don’t know what is.
The USMNT could also certainly have used a little divine favor for a bonus 1d4 radiant damage in their recent match against Venezuela, but instead they wound up with a 1-1 draw. Perhaps next time they’ll opt for a more sound strategy than just “use enhance ability on Christian Pulisic!”
All this talk of Christians and Cristianos and clerics makes me tired, so let’s move on to good, old-fashioned bar fights, and for ugly-ass min-charisma matches, there’s no better place than the MLS.
And speaking of games that critically failed a performance check, let’s start with Orlando City SC v Chicago Fire. Being elementally aligned with Fire, Chicago managed to successfully banish two of the opposing party to the Brass City. However, they were unable to capitalize on their advantage due to everyone having opted for weapons that only deal subdual* damage.
Elsewhere in the land of Majoria Leaugia, FC Dallas dropped a natural 20 on initiative and scored 5 goals in the first half of their match against Real Salt Lake, who moved more like 2nd-edition skeletons than humans. With 23 points, Dallas is now tied for second in MLS, in part thanks to the efforts of their elven ranger Jesus Ferreira. What? He’s not an elf, he’s just 16? Jesus.
That’s it for this week. The Filthy Casual will be back with list-based comedy and the return of the Minnesota Sports Misery Index in the next installment. If you were hoping for more D&D, don’t worry, it will be back whenever I damn well feel like it. If you weren’t, I don’t care.
*I’m well aware I’m splicing editions together. Call me an abomination if you will, but remember that as an abomination, I have a natural armor bonus and spell resistance equal to my CR level +12.