Welcome back to the latest drunk trades article! Uncle Collin had his 10 year college reunion and my liver somehow managed to stay inside my body to my great surprise. The other big shock of the weekend was that the most prominent set of drunkards at the reunion weren’t the mid-20 something 5 year grads but were, in fact, the 40 year olds there for their 25 year reunion. Those fuckers were hammered by 6:00 PM on Friday and did not let up until Sunday morning. Inspiring, really.
Anyways, back to this week’s MLS trade. For only the third time in MLS history, Chicago made a Dave for Dave in-game substitution (fake editor’s note: Don’t fact check this, I made it up) when they subbed on David Arshakyan for David Accam. In my hungover state I had an epiphany–Chicago should have the first ever “Team of All Daves”™. Here is the nitty gritty on how they get it done:
Two free agent acquisitions:
D David Mateos Ramajo (formerly Orlando City): I never would have thought the first All-Star Dave signing would be a player Jose Mourinho once wanted in his first team at Real Madrid (fake editor’s note: This is actually real) yet was somehow so bad Orlando amnestied him this March. Mateos is so slow he was once offered an endorsement by Rascal Scooters™ (fake editors note: this is another lie)
CM David Davis (formerly Birmingham): Who is this guy? No idea. But I needed a CAM Dave and this guy is 26, consistently started in a European league that Minnesota didn’t scout , and most importantly is out of contract according to Transfermarkt. Bring him in!
A homegrown player trade:
Montreal Trades: RM David Choiniere
Chicago Trades: CM Collin Fernandez
Summary: Two homegrown players are swapped! And I like Fernandez’s name.
Fire get a goalie:
San Jose Trades: GK David Bingham
Chicago Trades: CDM Juninho
Summary: San Jose hates the Galaxy and would love to piss them off by starting Juninho every game and finishing above LA in the table. I will advocate any trade that ends up pissing off LA.
Trades for two defenders:
Real Salt Lake Trades: D David Horst
Chicago Trades: D Michael Harrington
Summary: Fire gives up a serviceable MLS defender in Harrington for a shit MLS defender in Horst.
Vancouver Trades: D David Edgar
Chicago Trades: CM Matt Polster
Summary: This is the biggest risk for Chicago. Edgar is coming off a serious injury but Polster doesn’t have a spot on this team pre or post Dave-a-palooza.
Veteran mids arrive:
Houston Trades: CDM Juan David Cabezas
Chicago Trades: D Brandon Vincent
Summary: Chicago is giving up a quality young talent in Vincent, but Brandon is my brother’s name so fuck him. He’s out. Cabezas, controversially in this team as a David, sets up a strong defensive midfield for the Chicago Daves.
Portland Trades: CDM David Guzman
Chicago Trades: CM Dax McCarty
Summary: This big midfield move swaps the more defensive minded Guzman for the almost Dave named Dax. Portland is going down the “fuck it, we’ll score 10 each game” route with this trade. Also, Dax sounds like the name of a dude who would totally live in Portland.
Finally, the biggest trade in MLS history:
New York City Trades: F David Villa
Chicago Trades: CM Bastian Schweinsteiger
Summary: Holy fucking shit this is a monster trade! A world cup winner for a world cup winner! A champions league winner for a champions league winner! NYCFC gets younger and the perfect tutor for Jack Harrison while Chicago gets the biggest piece of the David puzzle. Also, they both played for Pep Guardiola and that’s nice symmetry or something.
With Villa in place, Chicago can run out this entirely Dave line-up:
Going three at the back is a bold choice, but it worked for Jose and Pochettino in the EPL and it’s hell trying to find more players named Dave in MLS. I even thought about bringing in David Ousted and going with 2 GKs but my editors both informed me that’s not actually allowed in soccer. With our 3-2-3-2 lineup, Accam bombs up the wing, Villa provides a stable veteran, and young players Arshakya and Choiniere provide some future Dave potential. In the end, I left Chicago with a full Dave line-up while keeping Solignac and Nikolic on their roster.
Like goddamn Michelangelo, the Davids might be my greatest work.
Make good choices,