Trash Talk: FIFA Edition

Off weeks for the Loons suck. Especially in summer. The leagues that people care about are all over until late August so I’m left with very few options for this week’s trash talk. Clearly no one cared about Sweden vs. France, and making fun of the USA’s opponent in World Cup Qualifiers this week (Trinidad and Tobago) wouldn’t be very engaging either. Something about picking on a country the size of our smallest state and expecting to win by a large margin just doesn’t fill me with the vinegar I need for this series.

But what does get me going is FIFA, the governing body of the sport that can’t seem to shake the corruption, no matter which longtime and entrenched-in-the-corruption member it puts in power.

Back when we didn’t have Ernie Keebler as US Attorney General and the biggest problem for the person holding that job (Loretta Lynch) was investigating the previously mentioned corruption within FIFA, a truckload of its members was indicted and Sepp Blatter resigned the presidency a few days after being reelected. He was given an eight year ban from anything having to do with soccer (reduced to six years) and will still receive about $2.5 million from FIFA during that six years. All this weeding out of corrupt members really seems to have done the trick…

I, for one, welcome our winter World Cup in the middle of the European domestic season played in stadiums built by slave labor. Just for clarification if anyone at FIFA is reading this; when we found out about the working conditions and deaths, the wrong move was to address our previous concerns about the mid-July temperatures in Qatar. And sweet move giving the World Cup to a desert country with laws against alcohol and no real soccer history of note. Should be a fun tournament for all 1,500 people who can make the trip.

I’d like to place a bet on whether more fans travel to Qatar than went to see the FIFA propaganda movie that came out the same week as the US raid on their headquarters.

This made $918 in its first weekend in the US. Less than $1,000. And it tries so hard. The cast and visuals are actually pretty good, but who thought that trying to paint Sepp Blatter or any of these goons as characters needing our sympathy was a good idea? If it worked on you, please donate to my Kickstarter to fund a biopic for the poor, misunderstood Martin Shkreli.

Yes, most of this is old news and you might be thinking you clicked on an article from 2015, but nothing much has been done to actually stop these kinds of things from happening again. FIFA needs roasting and people need reminding that greed and corruption, especially in an organization as big as this one, don’t just go away because you put a new person in charge. There are still probably cat apartments all over the world and people in official positions who think that North Korea won the last Women’s World Cup. And that pisses me off.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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