The Sims: Minnesota United vs. Portland Timbers

Well we crossed the desert of the Minnesota United off week, and while there were plenty of cacti to look at there wasn’t any of that sweet Minnesota water to drink. While in that desert I hallucinated that a cactus resembling Hugo Lloris lost his damn mind and cost France some important points against Sweden. Oh that really happened. Well my simulation would’ve been wrong even if he weren’t a colossal dumbass. So I’m back at the plasma donation center and hoping I’m right about Portland and United because that student loan payment is coming up soon.

My lineup for this game remained pretty much the same as way back when the Loons took on Sporting Kansas City.


The big change was Khiry Shelton in for Kevin Molino who was still off doing Trinidad and Tobagon things. Trinidadian and Tobagon things? I’m not sure. It was a big miss either way.

First Half

The possession in the first half was fairly evenly split, though the difference in the game was how much Portland had the ball around the Minnesota net. Not quite as much as that real-life game out in the Rose City, but pretty close. The Timbers poured on shot after shot, forcing Ferrell into a ton of saves. The first goal came in the 14th minute when Diego “I Hate Loons” Valeri took a free kick from just outside the penalty area. It bounced around a bit and found its way back to him, allowing him to curl it way up into the top right corner.

Football Manager’s dynamic realism captures stadium environments identical to the Timber Army section.

Minnesota responded well and turned the pressure around. Christian “Fuck You, Bruce” Ramirez nearly put the Loons level with a header, but the keeper tipped it over the bar. Viva nearly had a stunner off a free kick but it smashed the crossbar instead. The Loons had the momentum going into halftime, but Portland had the lead.

Second Half

Apparently I’m not exactly the next Tony Robbins because United came out of the locker room for the second half and everything started to unravel. Portland ran around defenders like they were riding fixies through bike lanes, and eventually they broke through again. The Timbers strung together 13 passes uninterrupted by Loons defenders, and as a testament to the realism of the game, Valeri played Connor Lade in offside. Lade crossed to Fanendo “I Also Hate Loons” Adi, who one-touched it past Ferrell.

…and the Timbers wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.

Ten minutes later, United finally got on the board. Miguel Ibarra lashed a free kick into the box from nearly midfield. It caromed off someone’s head in the penalty-area-mob and fell to Justin Davis who smashed the volley into the ceiling of the net. The keeper had come out and failed to punch the ball away, leaving JD with a wide open net. If I could have chucked him a Strongbow like he was Stone Cold Steve Austin, I would have.


Portland almost scored their nicest of the night a few minutes later but Valeri failed to convert his 69th minute penalty. Portland kept pressing though and a free kick on the left side of the Loons’ penalty area gave them the final nail for the artisinal coffin. Valeri and Adi hooked up again, with the latter meeting the former’s cross with his head, looping it over a diving Ferrell for the 3-1 win.

A lot of Loons covering no one in particular here.

According to science, another league loss for the Loons is in store this weekend, this time 3-1 to help the Portland Timbers to a season sweep of Minnesota. And if anyone wants to donate to the GoFundMe I set up to get my car back, please leave a comment and I’ll send you the link.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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