Hello and welcome once again to The Filthy Casual, a chance for you to put aside all your knowledge and expertise about soccer and wallow in my turgid takes.
There’s been some significant controversy over the implementation of the video assistant referee (VAR), and the debates have only become more heated due to recent events at the Confederations Cup. Lucky for everyone, I’m here to settle the question with another one of my patented lists.
How do you solve a problem like VAR-ia?
- The video assistant referees are too far removed from the game. I say we replace VAR with VRAR: virtual reality assistant referee. Strap a GoPro to every player and then run it through an VR headset. The referees will finally be able to see the game from the player’s perspective. Every flopping dive, every crotch cupped in a protective grip, every gallon Ziploc bag of urine hurled from the stands will be rendered in exquisite 4K.
- There’s no consistency, so we need some additional perspectives. For situations with margin calls, refer the VAR to the NFL’s instant replay office for a second opinion. If a decision still cannot be reached, the call will be referred to the Supreme Court, the Unseelie Court, the Unseemly Court, Night Court, and then finally Judge Judy. After all, fans are reasonable human beings endowed with vast amounts of patience. The accuracy of the call is far more important than the time it takes to reach a decision.
- It takes way too damn long to reach a decision, so we need to speed up the process. Replace all the referees with airborne drones in yellow jerseys, run by IBM’s Watson supercomputer. I, for one, welcome our new robot soccer overlords. (The games also take too damn long, but that’s why we have David Baker and his talented Sims.)
- In order to make the system less confusing for fans, a comprehensive 547-page rulebook will be given to each person in attendance. I can forsee no possible way in which these rulebooks could be utilized for any purpose other than personal education and enlightenment.
- Players feel dispirited after thinking they had scored a goal, only to find it disallowed upon review. This comes not from the goal itself, but from the disappointment of expending so much energy through the universal art form of the goal celebration. The surest way to recapture that energy is for the players to perform the goal celebration in reverse once a goal has been disallowed. Simply imagine this iconic moment backwards, and you’ll see the truth of my statement.
With that out of the way, let’s turn once again to everybody’s favorite Minnesotan pastime: (sports) seasonal depression.
Minnesota Sports Misery Index
Vikings: Minnesota’s American football team will be reporting to training camp three days early, in order to get a head start on letting everyone down.
Twins: The Cleveland Indians hammered Minnesota in a four-game sweep and took first place in the AL Central. Fortunately for Twins fans, Minnesota remains in first place in the Upper Midwestern Racist League. Despite the fact that Cleveland’s mascot is literally a racist caricature, strong recent performances by Minnesota’s arts and justice sectors kept the Land of 10,000 Lakes firmly on top.
Lynx: The Lynx have a 9-1 record and a league-leading 12-point scoring differential through the first ten. Once again, this team continues to be a solitary light of hope in the mediocritocracy that is Minnesota sports.
Timberwolves: Rumors continue to swirl as far as whether the team will trade talented point guard Ricky Rubio to another team to pursue someone who will consume even more of the team’s salary cap.
The current MSMI is: turquoise. Stare into the cloudless sky and know there is no respite from the long, hot days of summer. Except, of course, for the fact that we live in Minnesota and have 50% less summer than everywhere that isn’t Alaska.
That’s all for this edition of The Filthy Casual. See you next time, nerds.