Welcome back! This is Drunk Uncle Collin coming to you from 30,000 feet. The only thing higher than me right now is
KCyle Larin’s bond. Too soon? (fake editors note: not too soon).
Anyways, when drinking on a plane there are two rules to remember:
1. It is absolutely fine to get drunk on a plane. Fun even. Get drunk, pretend you’re a giant and the tiny airplane bottles are full size, masturbate in a tiny bathroom, but do NOT piss off a flight attendant. They are all lovely people who will literally bring you booze at the press of a button. Cherish them.
2. NEVER EVER sober up on a plane. It is one of God’s most heinous punishments, especially if you’re a puker. Ralphing in a toilet built for someone the size of Leo Messi is awful.
But that’s enough drinking on planes talk. Let’s get down and dirty with a good old MLS allocation ranking trade!
Orlando Sells: F Cycle Larin’s contract to some shit European team, I don’t know, FC Grasshopper (Get it? Its an alcoholic drink!) for $3M.
Orlando Trades: $150,000 in GAM to San Jose for the #2 spot in the allocation order. I fully expect that Orlando does NOT need the #1 spot as there is NO way Columbus would ever spend actual money on an American player. Look it up.
Orlando Transfers In: F Arón Johannsson from Werder Bremen for $2M.
Why Orlando Does It: Are you kidding me? They get rid of a problem situation, sell high on a foreign talent who will eventually take up an international spot if they keep him, and open up enough cash reserves to sign the new American face of their franchise when Kaka finally shuffles off this mortal coil (I assume a meth dealer will kill him because….Florida). BONUS: They keep their “Striker Who Spells His Name Wrong™” list at one.
Why Werder Bremen Does It: A-Jo is on the way out. They only used him 9 times last year as they finished a few spots outside of Europe. Being 26 years old, he isn’t going to get a ton better to push Werder of the top and he has injury issues. Werder Bremen only payed €4.2M for him, so they aren’t taking a bath on the sale and every bit helps with the current inflated prices in Europe.
Why FC Grasshopper do it: Have you seen their current striker depth? It’s awful. This gives them a legit window into the Canadian world to be a jumping off point when Tabla, Davies, et. al. want their first European shot (fake editors note #22: We have no idea, Collin just tried to order a grasshopper on the plane and was told no).
Why San Jose Does It; They aren’t using their allocation order on someone worthwhile. And to be honest, who is left after A-Jo? Julian Green? Cameron Carter-Vickers? Neither are worth taking the risk when they can get paid now and spend it on some European with a crazy long name.
Why A-Jo does it: HE GETS PAID. Florida has no income tax and Orlando has direct flights back to Europe (I assume). He can make sick money with the Simbas, reassert himself in the USMNT striker role, and be back in fucking Iceland, Greenland, or whatever in 5 hours.
That’s it. No reason to talk about why people don’t do it. That would take another 850,000 skymiles or whatever fucking ludicrous price this internet connection costs. Cicadia Larin gets his shot in Europe, Orlando gets the future face of their franchise, San Jose gets paid, and FC Grasshopper get that sweet sweet Canadian
shale oil soccer talent pipeline.
Make good choices,