MLS Precaps Week 17 Midweek Edition

Good afternoon you fine MLS folks. We got a slate of four matches tonight all featuring teams south of the Canadian border because, that’s right, it’s mother fucking CanAm Championship time! We won’t waste time with predictions but Montreal hosts Toronto FC tonight at the Saputo Stadium before the return leg next Tuesday at BMO Field. You know what, fuck it, Toronto wins the thing on aggregate 5-3! On to our mid-week MLS matchups.

DC United v Atlanta United – This is the third leg of the United Derby and the return match for DC United at home. Back in April DCU went down to Georgia and stole three points. Atlanta managed to score first through Kenwyne Jones, then again with a Michael Parkhurst own goal, which led to a 3-1 loss. Atlanta is currently just below the red line and DC is fucking terrible so expect a measure of revenge in DC, just not that much revenge, 2-2 Draw.

Minnesota United FC v Portland Timbers – What happens when the worst team in the league takes on the second highest scoring team in the Western Conference? A fucking bloodbath, that’s what! But, this being MLS, and the Timbers punching way above their weight and with a tilt against archrivals Seattle looming on Sunday, perhaps the Loons can steal one if not all three points…nah, 1-3 to the Dirty Stinking Hippies!

Colorado Rapids v LA Galaxy – The Rapids, after being absolutely abysmal to start the year, have now won four on the trot (all competitions). The secret to that success, all of those matches have been in the friendly confines of Dick’s Sporting Goods Park. And fancy that, here comes the LA Galaxy to Commerce City. The Galaxy are also on a good run of form, earning points in their last five matches. But no one escapes the buzzsaw that is Josh Gatt’s corpse. Rapids win 2-1

Seattle Sounders v Orlando City SC – I’m sure Orlando circled their calendars when the schedule came out and were like “Holy shit guys, it’s going to be really fucking awesome flying across the country and three time zones to play a match in Seattle on a Wednesday night.” I fully expect Orlando City to punt this match as they have been pretty crap away from Orlando this year anyways. Cyle Larin will be hitting the bottle, and then the road, pretty hard after a 3-0 loss to the Sounders.

That’s all folks. If you are a fan of one of these teams and are stuck watching them tonight, I’m sorry. If not, enjoy your Wednesday. Make sure to drink a RumHamm’s for me!

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