MLS Precap Week 17 – Weekend


Toronto FC v New England Revolution – Toronto has only recently gotten good and the Revolution have owned Toronto FC including beating the shit out of them at the beginning of the month. However the last time they played up in the greatest city in North America the Toronto FCs curb stomped New England 4-1. Let’s just say that is what’s gonna happen again! Toronto FC wins 4-1, again.

Houston Dynamo v FC Dallas – Our second Friday night tilt is the second Texas Derby of the year. The Dynamo managed to snag a point in Dallas, sorry Frisco (side note: Fuck you Texas for not having your stadiums in the actual city), by doing something they don’t normally do, which is keep a clean sheet. Expect many, many goals in Houston. 3-2 to the Stupid Orange jerseys.


New York Red Bulls v NYCFC – Since like 200,000 people have MLS Live, I know that most of you never actually watch MLS matches, however this one is on the big boy network, FOX. Kickoff is at 12:30 CST and (affects English accent) “These teams proper hate each other, but maybe not as much as the Cosmos hate both of them.” Seriously fuck these teams. I do have to begrudgingly admit that David Villa is still really good at soccer. A goober over at MLS agreesNYCFC wins 1-2

Atlanta United v Colorado Rapids – The Rapids have played five straight home matches, so I’m not even sure they remember how to play on the road. Atlanta’s games result in a shit ton of goals so this one might be a romp. Josef Martinez beats Tim Howard like eggs you make an omelette with!

Philadelphia Union v DC United – These two teams have split their matches this year, both in the Swamp Pit of DC. The Union exploded for four and kept a clean sheet back in May. Expect the Original Uniteds to concede several headed goals. Union win 2-0.

Columbus Crew v Montreal Impact – I hate both of these teams, not because they are particularly good or particularly bad, but mostly because they are just so fucking boring. Predictably this one ends in a boring ass 1-1 Draw.

Minnesota United FC v Vancouver Whitecaps – Bobby Shuttleworth and Brent Kallman have single-handedly kept this team even remotely watchable. The Whitecaps salvaged a point at home against Dallas last weekend. The Loons had a back and forth affair with the Timbers mid-week and are probably the shallowest team in the league. Because i’m a homer, let’s say Loons 2-0

Chicago Fire v Orlando City SC – The Fire have never beaten the Lions and in fact the two losses the Fire have suffered were both at Toyota Prius Park. That was the old Tire Fire, this the new Tyre Fyre! PLus Orlando has been absolute shit away from home this year. Fire 2-1

LA Galaxy v Sporting KC – I think most of us in the soccer snark world did not imagine that Curt Onfalo would be long for the world of MLS and, to be fair, the early season results did not lead one to believe otherwise. Since then though the Galaxy have seemed to have righted the ship. They haven’t lost since May and their recent run against KC suggests that another 1-1 Draw, is in the cards.

San Jose Earthquakes v Real Salt Lake – RSL has shipped the most goals in MLS and they are particularly adept at giving those up on the road. They averaged 5 goals allowed over the last 3 away matches. San Jose has also not been particularly adept at preventing goals themselves. Earthquakes


Portland Timbers v Seattle Sounders – MLS Rivalry Week ends with the best rivalry of them all (proceeds to throw up multiple times). The Timbers could not hold off the Loons in Minnesota on Wednesday and are winless on the road in MLS. The Sounders shat the bed at home against Orlando City allowing a goal in stoppage time to drop points at home. The Timbers which weren’t great at preventing goals before have a makeshift central defense that the Loons exploited. I’d expect the Timbers road woes to continue with little fight from the Dirty Stinkin’ Hippies. Sounders win 3-1.

That’s all folks. Raise a glass of whiskey or a shot of Everclear that I bought in Iowa last week to make sure you are black out drunk and don’t actually watch any of these matches!


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