Podcast Amuse-bouche

Life comes at you hard and fast friends and do to a mid-week game and some life circumstances, unfortunately we were unable to record The Daves I Know podcast this week. That didn’t mean that we weren’t opinionated on the internet, go check out our Twitter feed if you want to either a) gouge your eyes out or b) read a well intentioned person make terrible analogies and absolutely lose it. (Spoiler Alert, The Daves were not the ones to lose it) But, because we love all of our readers/listeners and we are nothing if not semi-professional, here is some of the stuff that would’ve been on the podcast. Consider it an amusebouche of podcast content in regular stupid word form! Feel free to imitate Martin’s condescending snark or Zeller’s nasally aloofness. Feel free to drink a RumHamm or 4. It is the weekend after all and we’ll see y’all in the stands on Saturday!

Picks Or It Didn’t Happen

  • How’d We Do MLS Week 16
    • NYCFC v Seattle Sounders 2-1 (DZ/DM)
    • Atlanta United v Columbus Crew 3-1 (DZ/DM)
    • New England Revolution v Chicago Fire 1-2 (DZ/DM)
    • Orlando City SC v Montreal Impact 3-3 (DZ)
    • Toronto FC v DC United 2-0 (DZ/DM)
    • San Jose Earthquakes v Sporting KC 0-0 (DZ)
    • Colorado Rapids v Portland Timbers 2-1 (DZ)
    • Real Salt Lake v MNUFC 1-0 (Nope)
    • Vancouver v FC Dallas 1-1 (DZ)
    • LA Galaxy v Houston Dynamo 2-2 (Nope)
    • Philadelphia Union v NY Red Bulls 0-2 (Nope)
  • Running Totals:
    • Zeller
      • This Week: 8-3!!!
      • Overall: 81-97
    • Martin
      • This Week: 4-7
      • Overall: 75-103

Week 17 picks for posterity (Note: Mid-week games are dumb and thus do not deserve our prognosticating!)


  • Toronto FC v New England Revolution 2-1
    • TFC at home vs Man Bun City FC
  • Houston Dynamo v FC Dallas 3-2
    • Roller Derby is way, way better than the Texas Derby
  • New York Red Bulls v NYCFC 2-3
    • Battle for New York or NY/NJ or MetroStars, or whatever
  • Atlanta United v Colorado Rapids 3-1
    • Rapids on the road should be fun
  • Philadelphia Union v DC United 2-0
    • Always nice when DC comes to town to shit the bed for you, I see you CJ Sapong eyeing a brace!
  • Columbus Crew v Montreal Impact 1-1
    • I literally do not care about these teams at all, not even enough to tell’em to fuck off
  • Minnesota United FC v Vancouver Whitecaps 2-0
    • A mid-week win against C string Portland central defenders should be good for the confidence, question is will MNUFC have a full bench even?
  • Chicago Fire v Orlando City SC 3-1
    • OCSC is shit on the road, weirdly Pig-fucker, Juninho and Dax have worked in the midfield for Chicago
  • LA Galaxy v Sporting KC 1-1
    • How much longer is Curt Onfalo for this world?
  • San Jose Earthquakes v Real Salt Lake 4-1
    • RSL on the road means 4 goals, it’s as American as Baseball, Apple Pie and Institutional Racism! (Zing America!)
  • Portland Timbers v Seattle Sounders 1-1
    • If you didn’t click that twitter link it was about tribalism and sports. It is alternatively hilarious and really, fucking stupid. Anyways hooray Where Your Mom Birthed You Derby! (You probably won’t get that joke if you don’t click the link, also hey give us a follow while you’re at it!)


  • Toronto FC v New England Revolution 2-0
    • They are at home. This isn’t hard stuff, guys.
  • Houston Dynamo v FC Dallas 2-1
    • They are also at home. Look, let’s try something remotely challenging.
  • New York Red Bulls v NYCFC 0-1
    • There we go. New York has the longest travel schedule of any rivalry game this week as they head to New Jersey and sour dough the Bread Bowls on their own “turf.”
  • Atlanta United v Colorado Rapids 2-0
    • Don’t look now, but Colorado hit kind of a hot streak there. But that won’t last when they travel to Hotlanta and leave like Outkasts.
  • Philadelphia Union v DC United 2-1
    • Never have I been less interested in a game in my life, and I watch CONCACAF Champions League…even the minnow matches.
  • Columbus Crew v Montreal Impact 1-1
    • Should be great to see guys like Didier Drogba line up against an MLS legend like Kei Kamara.
  • Minnesota United FC v Vancouver Whitecaps 0-3
    • People keep ragging on Adrian Heath to use his substitutes. Look at their fucking bench. It is three human beings deep, those people being Justin Davis, Bashkim Kadrii, and Jermaine Taylor. So then, tell me more about how Heath should be in a rush to use those subs.
  • Chicago Fire v Orlando City SC 2-0
    • Bridgeview is as far away from Chicago as Orlando is, but the Fire will benefit from the dozens of supporters that show up to create an intimate home field advantage. Also Carlos Rivas will kick at least one shot into Lake Michigan.
  • LA Galaxy v Sporting KC 1-1
    • Now this is a fucking match. Galaxy have started thwarting my prediction that they won’t make the playoffs this year, and Sporting KC are hard to hate (*dodges bottles being thrown*). But on the road after a busy month, they summon a draw against the Galacticos and that’s it.
  • San Jose Earthquakes v Real Salt Lake 1-0
    • Please kill me.
  • Portland Timbers v Seattle Sounders 2-1
    • Remember how Clint Dempsey tore up that Open Cup referee’s book? He’s still that person. He’ll never not be the person that did that. Don’t forget that when you are clutching your genitals in feverish joy after he scores in the Gold Cup this summer.

Indulge Your Fantasy

  • How’d We Do?
    • Zeller:
      • Weekly Points 89 points
      • Overall Points 1083
      • Overall Place up to 11th place
    • Martin:
      • Weekly Points 84 points
      • Overall Points 1103
      • Overall Place up to 10th place
  • Who Kicked Ass In The League non-Spencer Agnew version
    • Soccer F.C. (Adam Haskins) 90 points jumped 3 spots
    • CringoLA (Devon Reed) 92 points up to 4th only 2 points off 3rd
  • A Look At The League Standings
    • 1st – The Brothers Demidov (Spencer Agnew) – 1408
    • 2nd – CostaricaLoon (Edu Rosales) – 1254
    • 3rd – Villains SV (Buzz) – 1232


@robert_the_red: Why has no one mentioned the bad first touch Ramirez had that forced him to make that crazy shot he scored on? You go to hell Robert, you go to hell and you die. We need Molino. We’re holding out for Molino till the end of the night. He’s gonna be fast and he’s gonna strong and he’s always ready to strike. So you go fuck yourself!

@collinsolberg: is Ibarra finally getting his 90min fitness back? Yes.

So that’s it, thanks for your continued patronage of both the audio and written word. Give us some follows on the soical medias, give our podcast five stars on your dumb podcasting apps, make fake accounts and do those thing like five more times!

Talk to y’all next week dummies!

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