Trash Talk: Vancouver Whitecaps Edition

This week’s Trash Talk is all about Vancouver and the only Cascadia team without an MLS Cup, the Whitecaps. While I’ve been trying to be nicer to our neighbors in the north in case living there suddenly becomes a much safer option, I’ll get in trouble with the Daves if I don’t disparage them. If you’re a Canadian immigration official who Googled my name for a citizenship background check and found this, you should know that Rush is my favorite band and that you look very handsome today. But let’s dive in, eh?

Vancouver seems to be a bigger version of Minneapolis, but instead of snow they get rain. It’s so not-snowy that it makes me think the only requirement for the IOC to award a Winter Olympics to a city is the presence of mountains within 50 miles. The good news is that Vancouverites never have to worry about their pants getting wet in the rain because they’re cuffed-to-all-hell to show off their Doc Martens. Vancouver’s hipsters aren’t quite as bad as Portland’s, and I didn’t get a chance to make fun of Portland. But when a big draw to Vancouver is a film school, what else would you expect? It’s a good thing hipsters are so comfortable living with other people because you need at least ten to be able to afford a place in Vancouver. Why are property values so high? Just because it’s the only interesting Canadian city west of Toronto? Or fewer residents means fewer people to destroy the city again when the Canucks blow it in the Stanley Cup Final? But now, to the other team in town . . .

The Whitecaps have been around for 40-odd years in some form or another, playing against the Thunder in the A League. So, you can’t fault them on a lack of history. What I can make fun of is BC Place and their roster.

BC Place will forever look like an unfinished, permanent circus tent to me. Is there no way to gussy up the poles holding the “roof” in place? And if you’re going to build half of a roof, finish it up and cover the hole in the middle. It’s not enclosed, it’s not open air, and it’s not pleasing to the eye. Why the hanging video board? The city needs a controlled riot just around that building. It can’t make it any worse.

Close your eyes and think of the Whitecaps. Who comes to mind? If you said nobody, you’re correct. They don’t really have that guy that’s synonymous with the team. Their best (?) player is probably Cristian Techera, whose nickname, El Bicho (the bug) is extremely fitting as the league’s shortest player. Maybe, you think of their most recognizable player: Fredy Montero, the one that spent most of his time with Seattle. Although, I do find it funny when anyone makes Seattle fans mad — because fuck those guys. Brek Shea plays in Vancouver now, but I suspect that he just needed to get out of the country and lay low for a while. He’s from Texas, but he looks like what I imagine when I hear the phrase, “Florida Man.”

They’ve got a fair few trophies, but Vancouver will be the last Cascadia team to win MLS Cup. Will they also be the last Canadian team to win it? Probably, if last season’s horrendous collapse is anything to go off of.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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