Trash Talk: NYCFC Edition

Minnesota plays on Thursday this week so Trash Talk is moved up to today. Lucky you. This week’s opponent is New York City FC, the team that proves more than any other that money can get you anything you want.

New York already had a team – the Red Bulls being a charter member of MLS – but when Manchester City and the Yankees throw money at you, you bend over in whatever way they tell you to. The City Football ownership group has the goal of putting a team with “City” in the name on each continent. Good luck with Antarctica and thanks for giving MLS an excuse to keep forcing the #RivalryWeek marketing angle. It wouldn’t surprise me if they wanted another team in NYC just for the content and “New York is Red” vs. “New York is Blue” social media circlejerk. Speaking of the blue side of this matchup, can City Football get any more lazy? The same brilliant mind behind all the identical Nike national team jerseys must be chugging out light blue kit and crest designs in his spare time.

Why anyone would choose to live in New York City is beyond my capacity to understand. It doesn’t even sound like a fun place to visit. $3,000 a month for a studio in Manhattan is absolutely baffling. If I wanted to shit four feet from my kitchen, I could do it for free. Though if your brain had been boiled down to a nice goop by the nonstop noise and light, you might think that was a hell of a deal. What’s the draw of living in such close proximity to 8.5 million other people? You were sick of just landing barista job after barista job and wanted some competition to make things interesting? Although I’m sure rent is no big deal for athletes in the city.

Much like the Galaxy, I’m sure NYCFC has a ton of trouble attracting talent to the team, especially with a call-up to the senior squad in Manchester just a few good performances away. Lucky for City, they won when David Villa, Frank Lampard, and Andrea Pirlo tossed coins to choose between the two American cities they knew for sure were real. Having just hit 50 goals (in a little over two seasons) it’s almost embarrassing to see Villa scoring so easily against MLS opposition at his age, like he’s the ex-pro that puts on a fake mustache and just trucks through a beer league match. Although he’s lucky he’s still young enough to be starting. Pirlo hasn’t started in weeks and just sits on the bench and costs the team money (not that that’s an issue for them). Wouldn’t a World Cup winner be insulted only getting use as a rotation player against Real Salt Lake? Ben Sweat made the latest team of the week, triggering a flood of sweat puns that no one asked for because they were just too obvious.

So congratulations are apparently in order for “finally” (it’s been two and a half seasons) beating Red Bulls in New Jersey. What a feat of strength that was with nine international players on your roster. If you’re a fan of NYCFC, why weren’t you a Red Bulls fan first? New York doesn’t deserve one club let alone a second shoehorned in for the sake of manufactured rivalry.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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