We are basically half way through the MLS year, kids, and if you have been paying attention to MLS I just have one question: who hurt you? There have been some great stories so far, including whatever meth the Fire consumed to light a metaphorical fire under their asses. Maybe it was just Bastian Pigfucker leading them to World Cup glory!
In terms of what we expected though, pretty much par for the course. Minnesota has been mostly crap, Atlanta has been less crap, but still pretty crap. Seattle keeps weirdly dropping points and the MLS regular season is a joke because of playoffs. Without further ado, here’s the shit you won’t need to watch this weekend! (Of note both Seattle and New York Red Bulls are not playing this weekend for some fucking reason)
NYCFC v MNUFC – Manchester West hosts the Loons for the first time. It’s also the first time Inchy goes up against his former expansion foe. Apparently NYCFC fans have taken to referring to their team colloquially as pigeons, which is fucking dumb. Pigeons are just sky rats and who the hell wants to cheer for a rat, even if it’s carrying a piece of pizza. Fuck rats and fuck NYCFC. Alas, NYCFC wins 3-1
RSL v Orlando City SC – On the one hand Orlando City has been absolute crap on the road. On the other, RSL is complete shit all around (to be fair, less shit at home). Both of these teams have been utter fecal matter the last five matches or so, so please for the love of God do not watch this match. Draw 1-1
Chicago v Vancouver – The Fire have been, well, on fire for the last month, including owning the best goal differential among MLS teams in their last eight home matches. By the time you read this Chicago will have played FC Cincinnati in the US Open Cup and thus will play Saturday on heavy legs. Vancouver has had the best of Chicago in the last four matches but don’t expect that dominance to continue. Chicago 2-0.
Montreal v DC United – DC United comes to Montreal to kick ass and eat poutine, which causes them to be lethargic and get cramps at the Saputo Stadium. Sebastien Le Toux will be very confused by all the people yelling at him in French after spending his time at RFK where people were yelling at him in Spanish. Montreal 3-0.
FC Dallas v Toronto FC – You can’t spell a “damn born again Christian” with out Big D. I just assume that everyone in Dallas is a Christian and that all of the people in Toronto really love Maple Leafs and hating everyone else from Ottawa. Christians win 2-0
Sporting KC v Portland – Oh boy, I though Minnesota was bad on the road. Portland hasn’t won on the road since their MLS Cup win back in 2015. At least Minnesota won on the road last year. Sporting averages less than half a goal per game at home which is what you do when you are the Nickelback of MLS. Sporking KC 3-0
Columbus v Atlanta United – These two teams squared off in Hotlanta just two weeks ago and Atlanta Home Depot Dreams won 3-1. Atlanta’s matches are also some of the highest scoring in the league. I’d expect nothing less on Saturday. Inevitably Atlanta will take a lead before shipping four straight. Crew 4-1.
Colorado v Houston Dynamo – The Crapids have turned around their home form with three wins in their last four. Houston is winless on the road in their last eight in MLS play but recently drew on the road at the LA Galaxy. This has all the makings of a very boring 2-2 draw.
San Jose v LA Galaxy – Romain Alessandrini has been an absolute revelation for the Galaxy and the Galaxy have four wins and a draw in their last five away matches. That combined with the fact that the Galaxy put four on the Earthquakes a little more than a month ago means that the Galaxy will be walking away with another win in the Cali Classico. LA Galaxy win 3-1
Philadelphia v New England – Philly has only scored two goals in their last four MLS matches. This Northeast battle has been a back and forth affair but really the only team that scores regularly between these two teams are the Union. Philly wins 3-2.
That’s it for the weekend! Everyone plays mid-week next week so check back on Tuesday to learn all about matches you will be actively ignoring as you drink beer and blow shit up! ‘Merica!