MLS Precap Week 19 – America, Fuck Yeah!

America, fuck yeah! Nothing says the good old U-S-A like some hardcore soccer action! And it doesn’t get much more hardcore than the matchups we got this week. All 22 teams are in action over the next three days (most hampered by Gold Cup call-ups) and teams head into the summer transfer window with lots to ponder. Let’s stand up, remove our hats, take our flags down when it rains, and gaze into the MLS picture this week.

Fourth of July

Atlanta United v San Jose – The Earthquakes have been surprisingly competent in the last five matches, but of course all five of those matches have been in San Jose. Atlanta United have lost two of their last five, but again, all on the road. So, considering how fucking predictable MLS is Atlanta wins 3-1.

MNUFC v Columbus – The Loons are coming off a loss away in Yankee Stadium but before that had taken 4 of 6 points at home. The Crew have only one win in their last four and just lost at home to Atlanta. The Crew have won none of their last four away matches and we really shouldn’t expect any of that to change. I’ll be avoiding “salute to freedom” day at TCF but the Loons should fly and win 2-0 at the start of a very important homestand if MNUFC actually expects to compete for a playoff spot (Spoiler Alert: they won’t).

FC Dallas v DC United – What’s that old joke, nothing like a visit from DC United to get your motor running! Oh wait, that’s not a joke, that’s an actual MLS thing. FCD seems to have righted their sinking ship and DC, oh, poor DC. It must be tough to be a DC sports fan. I actually think they have an argument as the worst 5 major sports town in the country, moreso even than the Twin Cities and let’s face it the Twin Cities has been hot garbage since 1992. So I guess have fun with Alex Ovechkin, Bryce Harper, John Wall, whatever Washington football player you’d insert here and I don’t know, I guess Bill Hamid? FC Dallas 3-0.

Colorado v Seattle – The Rapids have seemed to find their home form and the Sounders have been a mess on the road. The Sounders are lurking right below the red line and surprisingly the Rapids are also within striking distance. I expect these teams play to a very boring 1-1 draw.

LA Galaxy v RSL – What happens when you have the team in worst home form taking on the team in worst road form? It’s basically the equivalent of a boxing undercard where you literally have two overweight white dudes throwing jabs at one another in the hopes that something of consequence happens. Spoiler alert, it never does. 0-0 draw.

Wednesday July 5th

Orlando City SC v Toronto FC – Both of these teams are in the top four in the Eastern Conference, mostly due to fairly stellar home records. Orlando, though, has recently fallen on hard times at home and Toronto has been great on the road. None of that really matters as OCSC finds that home form they had earlier in the season. OCSC wins 2-1.

New England v NY Red Bulls – The Revs and Red Bulls are both currently out of the playoff picture. However, the Red Bulls are in a much more favorable position as they are allowing a fewer goals overall. The Revolution have dropped eight matches at home and expect them to drop another one. 1-2 Red Bulls.

Houston v Montreal – Houston at home is one of the safest bets in MLS this year. However, the Montreal Impact have been quite feisty on the road, boasting a 1-2-1 record in their last 4 and a 1-5-2 record in their last 8. Ekeing out points in six of eight away matches is what playoff teams in MLS do. Still, Montreal is four points behind the 6th seed, albeit with three games in hand. Houston finds a way and wins this match 3-2.

Vancouver v NYCFC – NYCFC enters the match on a roll having bested MNUFC and Seattle at home and Red Bulls in the battle of New York. The Whitecaps, on the other hand, enter the game having not won a match in over a month. NYCFC traveling cross country to that sweet Canadian weed smells dank and like a 3-1 Whitecaps victory.

Portland v Chicago – Talk about two teams heading in the complete opposite directions. Portland is 2-3-5 in their last 10 while the Fire have been the best team in the league at 8-2-0 in theirs. It’s not easy to go to Portland and win, but the Fire have far too much fire power and Portland has very little defense. Fire win 1-3.

Thursday July 6th

Sporting KC v Philadelphia Union – This match is the equivalent of Nickelback vs. Creed. As in who the hell wants to watch this spectacle unless you are one of Scott Stapp’s ex-wives or a person really into Nickelback [Editor’s Note: a fight to the death between Nickelback and Creed actually sounds like block-off-your-calendar viewing – OLF]. I don’t know 3-1 to the Sporks.

And there you have it, in all of your old fashioned American soccer glory. Don’t forget to enjoy an ice cold Coors Light, some sweet cherry pie and maybe a baseball game. This is America, anyway!

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