Mission accomplished: VAR is now problem-free. I’m glad the powers that be stopped and read the brilliant suggestions in the last piece. Now all I have to do is sit and wait for the FIFAbucks to roll in.
Hold on, I’m getting a Slack message from the senior editor here at the Daves I Know, a Dave* that I know.
Well, it turns out that not only are FIFAbucks “not a real thing,” VAR has only gotten more confusing since I published my ideas.
The only solution to this dilemma is more terribly misguided advice! This week, let’s try to unpack the secrets of Germany’s success, having recaptured the top FIFA World Ranking with their Confederations Cup win over Chile.
Teuton Their Own Horns
- German players have 200% more stamina now that they’ve been replaced with robots and equipped with advanced software that allows them to cheat on emissions tests. Unfortunately, each footballer now generates greenhouse gases equivalent to a coal plant running for a month, or one hour of a Trump rally.
- Concerned that the players were too tight in their movements during practice, manager Joachim Low replaced all the water on the sidelines with hefeweizen.
- Clever use of tactics. Take, for example, their match against France. France, concerned about a repeat of the last time they played, erected an enormous wall across the width of the field to prevent the German attack. The Germans, however, sent their attackers off the pitch and through the locker rooms of Belgium in order to re-emerge behind the wall and take the French by surprise.
- Wearing sandals with socks.
- Before each match, the team listens to the collected works of Rammstein to enhance morale. In an unrelated note, recent medical reports indicate that the players are all suffering from advanced hearing loss.
- A combination of youth, chemistry, and excellent coaching that is hard to execute and harder to replicate. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. How about bribing the referees with enormous bratwurst? There we go, that’s more plausible.
- After every game, any player who conceded a goal receives an hour-long video call from Chancellor Angela Merkel. She doesn’t speak. She simply listens to the players’ increasingly stuttered excuses. And then, at the end, she says: “Don’t let it happen again.”
Minnesota Sports Misery Index
Vikings: Wide receiver Michael Floyd claims his recent positive alcohol test, a violation of his house arrest terms, was the result of an excess of kombucha. I have nothing more to add to this.
Twins: With their 6-2 loss to the KC Royals on Sunday, the Twins have settled into a comfortable position three games back from first-place Cleveland. But don’t let that one win over .500 fool you! This team is rocking a wicked -59 in the run differential column.
Lynx: This team has the record in the WNBA, the best offense, and the best defense. They are a scorching 7-0 on the road and have lost only one game so far this season. The team has the top two three-point shooters in the league (Lindsay Whalen and Seimone Augustus, respectively). Sylvia Fowles is second in the league in points and rebounds, third in blocks, fourth in steals, and first in field goal percentage. And here you are all waiting with bated breath for the start of another always-terrific Timberwolves season.
Timberwolves: As a part of their continued “let’s try to replicate the Chicago Bulls under Tom Thibodeau with the same players, but older” strategy, the T-wolves traded away Ricky Rubio and added Taj Gibson to join Jimmy Butler on the roster. I can see no way this ends poorly.
Wild: New players were added, other players departed. The Wheel of Hockey turns, and seasons come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the season that gave it birth comes again. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Hockey.
The current MSMI is: plaid. Look deep within yourself, you know it to be true.
That’s all for this edition of The Filthy Casual. Next time, look forward to a return of the hotly-anticipated Dungeons & Drogbas: Second Edition.
*Only individuals named “Dave” are permitted access to the upper echelons of The Daves I Know’s corporate hierarchy. But a man can dream. A man can dream.