Trash Talk: Houston Dynamo Edition

When Minnesota United plays two games in one week, I get to pick who I trash talk and which game gets simulated. I already bashed New York City and the Red Bulls are the more boring of the two teams there, so Houston Dynamo, come on down!

I have no love for Texas because I don’t care about cattle, guns, Lay’s potato chips, or Dr. Pepper. The only thing I could talk to people about down there is high school football, but they take it to such strange proportions that I’d likely pretend to hate it just because it would piss them off so much. Houston itself seems like an okay place to be if you’re a space nerd or you just want to walk down the same sidewalks Beyonce might have walked down.

Wait, I just read that RoboCop 2 was filmed there. Holy cow! Pack the car and get ready for a road trip!

No, don’t do that because visiting Houston in July is like visiting the surface of the sun, except you don’t have to drive through a racist wasteland full of cotton to get to the sun. They brag about being the number one city in the country for young couples, but it’s kind of cheating that your city is so hot most of the year that these couples can’t keep their clothes on. I’m also not sure 15-year-old second cousins are the young couples they should be courting.

The Dynamo play in a stadium that’s usually about 85% percent full. Good going, guys. You only have a huge Latino population and the country’s fourth biggest city to draw from. They also won MLS Cup their first two seasons in the league and have basically just been coasting since, trying to avoid smashing into the landfill at the bottom of the hill. Despite being one of the few clubs to allow Minnesota to take points off of them this season, they’ve had a surprisingly good year after finishing last in the Western Conference in 2016.

If you haven’t paid attention to MLS before this season, then you’ll be pretty unfamiliar with most of the names on Houston’s roster. DaMarcus Beasley is wiling away his final playing years down there and is somehow still getting USMNT call-ups. To match our Ibson, they have a pair of single-name Brazilians; Alex and Leonardo. The latter is not getting TMNT call-ups. They also have a midfielder named Andrew Wenger. Please don’t be the person that brings a WENGER OUT sign to the game. You’re better than that and you know it.

So good luck this week, Houston. No one is going to miss playing the Dynamo when Texas decides to finally secede again.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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