MLS Precap Week 20: Hey fuck your Gold Cup Semifinals edition

Well, Wednesday night was fun soccer watching, unless of course you were a fan of LA, Houston, or Minnesota who failed to find the back of the net. Let’s see what we got on tap this weekend!

Friday, July 21

Orlando City v Atlanta United – OCSC hosts Atlanta United for the first time ever. Atlanta is averaging over 1.5 gpg on the road, second only to LA Galaxy. Orlando started off as one of the hottest home sides in the league, but they have cooled off as of late. These two teams as well as the Red Bulls are battling for the 4th – 6th position in the Eastern Conference. Atlanta United wins 1-2.

Saturday, July 22

NYCFC v Chicago Fire – The Fire have not loss in 11 straight matches and they are hoping to make it 12 in New York City. The Fire are also 2-2-0 in their last four away matches. NYCFC has won their last six at home and scored in 20 consecutive home matches. NYCFC wins 2-1.

MNUFC v NY Red Bulls – Ugh, this game is going to be hot garbage, like really hot garbage. Red Bulls have won four in a row (two in a row on the road), including a 5-1 home thrashing of San Jose on Wednesday. Minnesota on the other hand has been middling especially in the midst of their longest homestand of the year. MNUFC will more than likely again be shorthanded with Brandon Allen out due to the loan deal with NYRB and Taylor and Calvo still out on international duty. I think MNUFC finds a way to eke out a point, which, let’s be fair, is not good enough! Draw, 2-2. 

Toronto FC v Colorado Rapids – This should be the most lopsided match of the weekend. The Rapids are even worse on the road than the Loons, if that is even humanly possible. They’ve managed only two goals away from Denver all year. Toronto is one of only three other teams to not lose at home yet. Don’t expect that shit to start this weekend. Toronto Fc wins 4-0.

DC United v Houston Dynamo – This match solely depends on whether the Honduran trifecta return in time for the match. With them, this might be the best opportunity for the Dynamo to finally break through and get a road win. DC United, on the other hand, is still reeling from the first ever MLS comeback after being up 3-0. Expect a dull, drab affair in DC. 0-0 Draw.

New England Revolution v LA Galaxy – This might be the most fun match of the weekend. The Revolution have one win in their last five (home against DC, which, let’s be fair, doesn’t really count) and the Galaxy have lost their last five in all competitions, several very lopsidedly. The Galaxy do have an impressive away record with five wins already and they win this one in a barnburner too. Galaxy 3-2.

Columbus Crew v Philadelphia Union – The Crew haven’t scored more than one goal in nearly a month. Philly is really bad on the road, so this game might be even more boring than the DC-Houston match. Crew 1-0.

Montreal Impact v FC Dallas – FC Dallas is 0-2-2 in their last four on the road and the Impact at home are 5-2-1 in their last eight. Dallas has held the upper hand in the series so far, but the Montreal Impact were really crap during most of that time. The Impact are now much less crap and FCD has been playing like the poop emojii on the road. Impact win 2-1.

Real Salt Lake v Sporting KC – Kyle Beckerman’s red card has been upheld so he will be out of this crucial home match against the Sporks. RSL is weirdly kind of in contention for the playoffs in spite of a goal differential that is nearly as bad as MNUFC. Sporking KC wins 3-0

Sunday, July 23

Vancouver Whitecaps v Portland Timbers – Expect lots of goals as these two teams generally say fuck defense when they play each other. Fanendo Adi got a straight red mere minutes after another Portland red card, ending their match with nine men. The Whitecaps are 5-1-2 in their last home matches and have held the Timbers to one goal in their last two matches in the ‘Couv. Whitecaps win 3-1.

Seattle Sounders v San Jose Earthquakes – Since last July, the Sounders have only lost twice at home and are 1-3-1 against the Quakes in their last five across all competitions. The Sounders are also the first team to overcome a 3-0 deficit in MLS history to win 4-3. The fact that they were down 3-0 at home should be a bit concerning, but in spite of all that they managed to find a way to get a win. The Earthquakes have been yo-yoing all over the place, most recently getting thrashed in New Jersey 5-1. This is another potential goal-fest in MLS this weekend. Seattle wins 3-2.

There you have it, all the hot MLS action you need to know, so you can watch the US Gold Cup Semifinal match on Saturday instead! You’re welcome.

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