This week’s trash talk is dedicated to that most confusing of opponents; D.C. United. If you’re new to the team, there was months-long uproar about the possibility of Minnesota United needing to change their name to appease the league’s original United and to save MLS fans from confusion. Don Garber… Always looking out for the little guy. The fact that Atlanta United came into the league at the same time and were allowed to have the United moniker is irrelevant. Don’t work your tiny brain too hard trying to figure it out, average MLS fan.
But let’s refocus on that wretched hive of scum and villainy; Washington, D.C. Instead of just being a city that’s also a national capital, D.C. had to be its own thing. Its residents whine about not being represented in the legislative branch despite paying taxes, as though there aren’t two decent states ten minutes away. You want a senator that will disappoint you on a regular basis? Move to Virginia, dummy. Why you would want to live in a city that’s built for tourists and politicians is absolutely beyond me. To me, that’s like deciding to live full time at Disney World but with more traffic, crime, and old white dudes.
D.C. United itself is one of the original MLS teams, so there’s no shortage of history with them. There is a shortage of attendance though, since they’ve been a tire fire this year. They must be so frustrating to watch for those that do force themselves to show up. They’re always up and down, either winning a double or setting a league-low in wins. They’ve got a shitload of trophies (most coming when there was little competition) but you just never seem to know how they’re going to do. They’re finally getting out of RFK Stadium -a baseball park that’s held together with Bazooka Joe and paperclips- and into Audi Field, failing upwards in impressive fashion.
This year is one of their down years and they’re the only team in the league with fewer points than Minnesota United. It should stay that way if simulation science is to be believed. They’ve got a solid roster of guys you would add for depth on any other team, but are starters in that swamp of a city. They have a Kamara, a Harkes, and an Acosta (not the good ones either) and Kofi Opare who sounds like the Dollar General version of Ike Opara that you pick up with your 12 pack of Dr. Thunder. Bill Hamid is decent at only 26 years old, and might be the starting keeper for the USMNT if there wasn’t a rule that says the Americans have to start bald, aging men between the sticks. Their forwards make no impact and their defenders shouldn’t be employed. This is a team that deserves to finish below an expansion team purposely avoiding signing Designated Players.
The only redeeming quality of this franchise is the Twitter hashtag #FinallyAF, used when talking about their new stadium, but one that works at a level millennials will understand. Other than that, La Barra Brava, et al. should mentally prepare for the shame and embarrassment that comes with losing to our United.