I’m feeling doubly good this week after Minnesota United gave D.C. United all it could handle and made my simulation result come to near perfect fruition. Miguel Ibarra simultaneously ruined it and made me very happy, scoring late to make it 4-0. No matter! After a few good results, I have a bike again and the plasma donation center with the good WiFi is within pedaling distance. Let’s get to the simulation of this weekend’s United game against Seattle Sounders.
Whether by chance or through advanced roster integration technology, the simulator knew Christian Ramirez was a little banged up, so he sat in favor of Abu Danladi. Patrick McLain was the lone deviation from last week’s lineup, making his first start of the year over Alex Ferrell. On the opposing teamsheet, Clint Dempsey was suspended not for ripping up the referee’s notebook, but for replacing it with a flipbook of Clint in bed with the ref’s wife.
Confident after a lashing of D.C. United, the Loons started attacking right away. They got into dangerous areas and eventually won a 15th minute corner. Osvaldo Alonso pushed Kevin Molino down in the box after the kick and Minnesota was awarded a penalty. Molino stepped up and sent Stefan Frei the wrong way, putting the home team up 1-0.
Having an early and frankly unexpected lead against the defending MLS champions, I told the team to sit back and hit them on the counter if we were able to. Amazingly, this paid off. On a counterattack in the 26th minute, Danladi caught a pass at the top of the box and decided to unload. He sent a rocket into the top corner to beat Frei again. Good Lord, Loons weren’t meant to fly this close to the sun.
The 39th minute saw Danladi do it again. McLain’s goal kick was headed on to Abu, who ran into the box and fired confidently into the back of the net. My heart rate rose to dangerous levels as I realized this must all be part of some elaborate fix to embarrass me and get me fired.
Two minutes into the second half, Danladi was taken down on the left side of the box, prompting the official to signal for the second penalty of the game. Danladi made it a hat trick from the spot and I knew they had taken too much plasma from me and I had passed out. This was all an unconscious vision.
The Loons were in charge of possession for what seemed like the entire ten minutes following the third from Danladi. All this possession turned into another goal as Ibarra passed low across the goalmouth and found Kevin Molino on a run all alone. Molino touched it home to make it 5-0. Was the needle in my arm even for plasma donation? Surely I must have been tricked into taking heroin and a 5-0 lead against the Sounders was the resulting high.
Danladi struck again in the 66th minute when Molino did his best to replicate Ibarra’s play from the previous goal, somehow finding Danladi for his fourth of the night and the team’s sixth. The heroin must have killed me. I’m dead and instead of seeing my life in replay, I’m seeing Minnesota win one last game.
Despite telling the team to sit way back and defend, just to take a break and rest up for next week, Justin Davis found space down the left-hand side and crossed it to, you guessed it, Danladi. He fired into the top of the net for his fifth, making the defending MLS Cup champions look like a Sunday league side.
The defensive strategy didn’t work, despite it not mattering at this point in the game. Joevin Jones scored a wonderful and meaningless goal in the 86th minute, smashing the ball on the volley from 12 yards out.
The Loons fended off a few last gasp chances from Seattle and closed out the 7-1 home win. I’m off to restart the simulator and send in a ticket to the Sports Interactive help desk. If you’re betting on the result like me, disregard this simulation because there’s no fucking way.