As you may have seen earlier in the week, Minnesota United is poised to thrash the Seattle Sounders on Saturday. That’s exciting because the team needs points, it would be a high point in the season, and I absolutely fucking hate these other guys. More accurately, I hate Seattle sports fans.
Does this mostly stem from the Fail Mary game and Seahawks fans’ unwillingness to admit it was the wrong call despite video evidence proving the fact? Yes. But since the Sounders play in the same stadium, I can only assume that the fanbase shares quite of few of the same dimwits. Speaking of which: why do they keep playing at CenturyLink Field instead of getting their own soccer-specific stadium? You’d think the self-proclaimed inventors of soccer culture would want their boring chants ringing around a stadium with grass instead of a half-filled cavern with the players running around on green carpet laid over concrete.
Seattle is the kind of place you move when you find out it really wasn’t a phase and this is how you are now, mom. Professional brooders and moody people make up a large portion of the population out there, owing to the fact that they can stare out the window at the rain 347 days a year. Take a stroll down to that weird market where they throw the fish around and contemplate why they’re so proud of it that it’s featured after every commercial break of nationally televised sporting events. Grab a black coffee from one of 400 Starbucks locations and imagine what it would be like to jump off the Space Needle because you’re still bummed about the Supersonics leaving town. I like rainy days, but Seattle takes it to a level that makes me wonder how they don’t have an all-British squad every year.
Speaking of that squad, the Sounders have one of the more recognizable rosters in the league, mostly because they won MLS Cup last year and the league blew a load they’d been saving up for seven years all over social media. Their favorite is probably Stefan Frei and the super cute tattoo he got after his MVP performance in the Final last year. Fair play; he was the only interesting part of a 0-0 game that went to penalties. Others on the roster include Cuban Voldemort, aka Osvaldo Alonso, and his elderly midfield partner Harry Shipp. Oh, he only looks like he’s going on 40 but is actually the same age as me? Damn dude, invest in some skin cream. He looks about as old as Clint Dempsey, who successfully retired with a team that could finally win him a domestic trophy. Can’t wait for your post-soccer rap albums, Eminem wannabe! The last player I’ll touch on is Jordan Morris, whose face is too big for his head. That’s saying something given how big his head must be after all the undeserved attention he got coming out of college and going pro in the United States instead of over in Europe. In the most rage-inducing post they’ve ever made, the Sounders tweeted out side-by-side pictures of Morris and Messi in the same pose atop the Space Needle to announce Morris’ signing with the team.
Seattlites, which I assume they are called, brag about themselves as the home of great music acts like Jimi Hendrix and Nirvana. But Hendrix is quoted as saying “the next time I go to Seattle will be in a pine box,” while Kurt Cobain ended his own life so as to never spend another moment in that emerald hell. So from the bottom of my heart, I hope the glaciers melt into the Pacific and Seattle is rendered uninhabitable when Puget Sound quadruples in size and depth.