MLS Precaps Week 23: The All Saturday Edition

No fancy headers this week because we got all of our matches on Saturday. All being ten matches because Megatron’s Butthole was unable to be finished in time so the highly anticipated opening of Arthur Blank’s monstrosity was delayed and MNUFC and the third United got delayed to a Tuesday in October. Who the fuck wants to go to Atlanta on a Tuesday in October?

megatrons butthole

Which is all well and good because the Loons are reeling from a good old fashioned anal pounding courtesy of the Sounders. Speaking of the Sounders…

Seattle Sounders v Sporting KC – The Sporks won the last meeting between these two teams 3-0 back in May at Nickelback Park. That was a much different Sounders squad. Sporking has been on one helluva run of form themselves recently too. The Sporks went all out in their Open Cup Semifinal last week and the Sounders have been on an absolute tear. Sounders win 2-1.

Toronto FC v Portland Timbers – It’s really too bad, or good, that the best two matches of the day will be done before 7pm CT. Means you can actually go out and have some fun or whatever it is that you do to avoid the monotony of Major League Soccer. This should be a barn burner of a match as both of these teams are on good runs of form and are pretty adept at finding the back of the net. Toronto FC wins 3-2.

DC United v Real Salt Lake – The DC Uniteds are still searching for that elusive 20th point. RSL is effectively done, though I’m sure some RSL fans harbor delusions of grandeur. DC has legal weed and you need to order food before you can even think about a beer in Utah, so let’s say DC United wins 2-1.

Columbus Crew v Chicago Fire – The Fire sit second in the Supporters Shield and are 1-1-0 against the Crew this year. The Crew are coming home off after a three game road trip that saw them pick up just one point. The Fire are just three points off TFC with a game in hand. Nikolic has been silent of late and with FInlay being shipped out to Minnesota finding those connecting passes might be difficult for the Crew. Fire win 3-1.

NY Red Bulls v Orlando City – OCSC comes to Jersey on the wrong side of the red line, two points back of the aforementioned Crew. The Red Bulls are coming off a loss to NYCFC in their derby match and sit tied with Atlanta for 4th place on points. Before that NYCFC match however, the Red Bulls had been on fire. A return home against an Orlando team that hasn’t won since June should do them well. Red Bulls win 2-0.

FC Dallas v Colorado Rapids – What in the actual fuck is up with FC Dallas? They were damn near unbeatable at the beginning of the year, conceding less than a goal per game through their first 15 matches or so, now, well they’ve conceded 13 in their last 5 five matches (2 to DCU, 3 to SKC, 1 to the Impact, 4 to Vancouver!!! and 3 to the Union). Surprisingly they have won 2 of those matches. Go ahead and guess who they beat?! The Rapids sit last in the West, behind even the lowly Loons, I expect the former Burn to bust out of their slump, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they gave up a goal or two. FC Dallas win 3-1.

New England Revolution v Vancouver Whitecaps – The Whitecaps are just below the red line, but have a couple games in hand on the teams just above them. The Revolution, who have been maddening all year, sit just six points back but would need to leap frog three other teams as well. This is partly due to their terrible away form. The Revs, Loons, and Rapids are the only teams yet to win on the road. The Whitecaps haven’t been terrible away however and one should expect a Draw 2-2.

Philadelphia Union v Montreal Impact – Of all the matches this weekend I think I give the least amount of shit about this one. These are two blegh that are just going to bore you to death. 0/10 would not fuck again. Draw 1-1.

Houston Dynamo v San Jose Earthquake – The Dynamo sit in second in the West, but tied on points with three other teams. The Western Conference playoff race should be one helluva of a run-in. The Earthquake currently occupy the sixth spot in the Western Conference, just two points shy of that logjam at second. Houston at home is just too much for the Quakes unfortunately. Dynamo win 2-1.

LA Galaxy v NYCFC – Talk about another maddening team. The Galaxy sit just two points clear of the Rapids at the bottom of the Western Conference and have won just once at Stub Hub this year. Even DC United has won three matches at home and expansion jokes MNUFC and regular jokes Colorado Rapids have six home wins. The flip side of this of course, is the Galaxy’s unbelievable form away. No team can match them for wins away from home. Unfortunately LA is not traveling cross country and is instead welcoming Supporter’s Shield contenders NYCFC. Their most recent away match was a 4-0 thrashing at the hands of TFC. TFC the LA Galaxy is not. NYCFC win 3-1.

And there you have it. Enjoy the first two matches and then get out enjoy the waning days of summer with a nice refreshing mojito. Until next week!

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