The Sims: Seattle Sounders Again

Well after a little break in Minnesota United action, the Loons are back and it’s against these assholes again. United heads out to Seattle to take on the Sounders for the second game in a row, looking to avenge a loss that embarrassed not only themselves, but me as well. The simulation machine should be back in working order now that we’ve ironed out whatever made it predict a 7-1 Minnesota win, so let’s hit the pitch and see what’s in store out in the Emerald City.

The virtual version of the Sounders were hungry to turn the page on what can only be explained as a blood magic-induced loss at the hands of one of the worst teams in the league, so they started all their stars. Jordan Morris and Clint Dempsey were the key players missing last time but were included in this week’s lineup. The big change on the United teamsheet was Thomas de Villardi starting in place of an injured Francisco Calvo.


First Half

The first 45 was surprisingly even with the Loons keeping possession of the ball for long amounts of time. The most sustained offense either team could muster was a few Miguel Ibarra runs down the wing with unsuccessful crosses on the end. Seattle did force Alex Ferrell into one dangerous looking save when Dempsey’s shot hit the crossbar and bounced off the goal line. Ferrell smothered it before it could cross over and United survived the heart attack. There wasn’t much action in the first half, but the fact that the Sounders didn’t score multiple goals was good enough for me to say kind things in the locker room at the break.

Second Half

The boys trotted out with the quiet confidence that comes from knowing you can do something but also knowing there’s a chance an overhead plane could unleash its septic tank on you at any second. The whistle blew and they picked up right where they left off; possessing the ball, making runs, and taking plenty of shots in the net’s general direction.

It all came to fruition in the 52nd minute when Ibarra ran the ball into the penalty area and almost out of bounds before skipping it through traffic to a speeding Christian Ramirez. His first touch smashed the crossbar but it bounced straight back at him and he directed it past Stefan Frei who had no clue where it was coming from. I got the panicky feeling the simulation machine was past the help of repairs and would keep showing me only what my heart desired instead of an accurate projection.

ramirez goal

Seattle were not in the mood to lose two in a row to a team like this, and quickly switched to an all-out attack style. The United back line somehow weathered the storm, though they didn’t make it easy on their goalkeeper. The hosts racked up eight second half shots with three hitting the mark. Nothing could get past Ferrell though, and the Loons soared higher than the wings of their dreams or whatever it was that Callum Williams said.

I know it seems unlikely, but I bribed tech support with a couple of Adrian Heath garden gnomes, so I’m pretty certain the simulation software is running in tip-top form. Place your bets and let’s hope I can afford a new tent after this weekend.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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