Drunk Trades: Grading Minnesota’s Dead-loon Moves

Welcome back! Both of you reading this probably have many feelings seeing a Drunk Trades article after a month off. No, I did not go to a badly needed rehab program; I simply got busy at work.

Yes, someone pays me actual Itchy and Scratchy Money™ to do something other than write for this super excellent website (fake ed note: we did some minor editing to this sentence). I did go to bar trivia over the weekend and there are a couple rules to follow when drinking and doing bar trivia:

  1. Always make sure you are the second drunkest person on the team. Much like getting chased by a bear, you do not need to win this race, but you simply cannot lose this race. Everybody remembers the shit show who is answering questions from the last category, so don’t be them.
  2. Strive to be useful on at least one answer. Be confident in your wheelhouse whether it be sports, art, or Mongolian throat singing. You can ride one good answer for the entire night.
  3. Throw in at least one high gravity beer during the night. You need to get that stupid brain of yours moving in the right direction and alcohol helps. But only one: you do not want to get into Fox News anchor territory.

Anyways, I’m here NOT with a hyper intelligent trade that would blow the doors off of any stupid Philadelphia Union deal, but instead am going to go the lazy route and critiquing the deadline deals made by Minnesota United FC. Mostly because its easy to kick people when they’re down.

Move #1: MNUFC loans MF(?) Rasmus Schûller to to a totally real and not made up Finnish team.

Grade: Incomplete

Analysis: Some people will say Rasmus Schûller’s time with MNUFC was a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma: he was simply played out of place or was one pass away from being “unlocked” and turning the corner into being the player MNUFC thought they were getting. Those people are dumb and have never watched a soccer game. Schooooooooller vacillated between disinterested and incompetent. He played mostly on the wing for United while some people said he was a CDM. Was he? Who knows. The only reason this move got an incomplete and not a better grade was because the team says he is welcome back for 2018. Why they want to waste an international spot on a player who couldn’t stay healthy and was awful is beyond me.

Move #2: MNUFC trades a shit-load (fake editor’s note: $450k in allocation money over 3 years) to Columbus for MF Ethan Finlay.

Grade: B

Analysis: Jesus fucking Christ. Another god damn winger?! And he was on the 2011 Creighton Blue Jays?! This is the fourth player from that team to suit up for some iteration of Minnesota, joining current Loon Brent Kallman and former Loons Tyler Polak and Greg Jordan. Finlay is also the 110th winger on the roster after newly signed Sam Nicholson, Miguel Ibarra, Bashkim Kadrii, Johan Venegas, and the should-be home of Ismaila Jome, Abu Dunladi, and Kevin Molino. The only reason I cannot give this trade a failing grade is there is a major downside to each of them. Nicholson has played three MLS games, Adrian Health hates Ibarra more than he hates proper length shorts, Kadrii might be returned on loan before the next game, Venegas has been a major disappointment, Jome is seeing time at LB, Dunladi cannot stay healthy, and Molino has apparently Jedi mind-tricked Adrian Health into thinking he can play at the #10 position. So, fuck it. Finlay isn’t that old (27, and just turned that), has USMNT experience, can start on the right wing, and only cost TAM which will be in abundance the next few years.

Move #3: MNUFC signs GK Alex Kapp.

Grade: B+

Analysis: MNUFC needed a third keeper. Dude is young, American, cheap, and doesn’t seem to have a long term injury like Alex Ferrell does. He costs nothing and giving Goalkeeper Whisperer Marius Rovde™ some wet clay to mold as the third keeper seems like a no-lose/all up-side play. I just wish I had heard of him before.

Move #4: MNUFC signs M/D José Leitón.

Grade: F-

Analysis: Why MNUFC signed the lead signer for local country bar band GB Leighton, I will never understand. Their “Twins Territory” song was so bad, it seems to have been scrubbed from the internet. Seems like a bad signing.

**UPDATE**: My editors are telling me Leitón is actually a young left-sided Costa Rican who has an amazing rags to footballer story and in fact is not the front man for a shitty Minnesota country band. I apologize for this mistake. I’m still giving MNUFC an F- for being anywhere close to associated with GB Leighton.

That’s it: B+, B, F-, and an incomplete. Minnesota comes out of the MLS deadline day looking younger, having more potential, and having moved some dead-weight. The last three months of the MLS season have to be looked at as a trial for the Loons. It will be a time to see what players are worth holding on to for 2018 and beyond instead of looking for points in 2017.

Make good choices (and fuck nazis),


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