Another week, another round of MLS. It’s like this goddamn league never ends does it. We are just living in an alternate rally where Nazi’s are totally acceptable to 40% of the population, VAR doesn’t actually work and the MLS is giving teams a 4th sub in the playoffs. I’m not saying those things are correlated. I’m also not saying they aren’t! On to our 10 matches this week. Of note, the LA Galaxy get a much needed week off and Atlanta gets a second week off in a row (this one actually scheduled and not do to Megatron’s Butthole being unable to close)!
Friday, August 18
Portland Timbers v New York Red Bulls – This actually might be a fun match. Portland likes to shoot and score goals, especially at home. The Red Bulls are coming off a 120 minute victory in the Open Cup Semifinal against FC Cincinnati and will be a little worse for the wear. The Red Bulls are on a good run of away form going 3-0-1. Timber Joey needs this one more than Red Bull Larry. Portland wins 3-1.
Saturday, August 19
Orlando City SC v Columbus Crew – In terms of the playoff race in the Eastern Conference this is the biggest match of the weekend. The Crew are trying to create some distance between themselves and the red line. Orlando City is in a four way fight to make the playoffs. The Crew are in a state of flux as they sent out Minnesota born Ethan Finlay to MNUFC. They replaced him with DP signing Pedro Santos. Orlando will be missing Kaka after an absolutely bonkers red card.
This has the makings of a 1-1 Draw.
Montreal Impact v Real Salt Lake – Raise your hand if you thought at any point in the season these two would be the hottest teams in the league. Put your hands down Mike Petke and ten Montreal Impact fans. Ignacio Piatti is good at soccer. Montreal wins 2-1.
Chicago Fire v Toronto FC – The Fire have been in a bit of tailspin of late and now find themselves six points clear of TFC and two points behind NYCFC. To be fair the Fire have been on the road for their last four losses. The Fire have, on the other hand, have been the best team in MLS at home this year with a 10-0-1 record. The Fire need to right the ship and quickly. Chicago wins 3-1.
Sporting KC v FC Dallas – What in the hell has happened to FC Dallas? They started the season on fire and have cooled off dramatically. In their last five matches they are 1-1-3. They’ve conceded 11 and scored just 3 in that time. In spite of this, the Burn are still in the mix for a bye in the Western Conference and actually the playoff race in the West is kinda batshit crazy. Only six points separates first and seventh and first place is currently shared between the Sporks, Sounders, and Dynamo. Sporks win 2-0.
Colorado Rapids v DC United – Another week and another matchup between two of the worst three teams in the league. Normally this would be yet another boring fixture, but there is some intrigue surrounding both of these teams! Pablo Mastroeni was recently shit-canned by the Rapids (which is weird because aren’t they trying to rebuild). DC United on the other hand went all in on during the window with their biggest coup grabbing Paul Arriola from Club Tijuana. I think the Rapids bounce back and get a result at home. Rapids win 1-0.
Vancouver Whitecaps v Houston Dynamo – Pretty much every matchup between Western Conference teams for the forseeable future is gonna have some playoff implications. This one is no different. The Dynamo are one of the worst teams in the West on the road, but have a win and a draw in the last two matches. Vancouver currently sits just below the red line but only one point off sixth and six points off first with at least two games in hand on 5 of the 6 teams ahead of them. The Whitecaps should have no problem taking acre of business in Canada. Whitecaps win 3-1.
San Jose v Philadelphia – It’s a battle of the weirdest team in the MLS vs the only playoff team with a losing record in MLS. The Union can’t win on the road and the Earthquakes also can’t win on the road. Good thing there in Avayo. Earthquakes win 4-1.
Sunday, August 20
NYCFC v New England Revolution – Who will be the last team to get a road win? Spoiler Alert it ain’t happening this weekend! Patrick Viera’s men are opn a roll and have jumped ahead of the Fire and just four points shy of the Supporters Shield. This should be an easy match on a Sunday evening. NYCFC wins 3-1.
Seattle Sounders v MNUFC – Eh, who even cares at this point. As mentioned on the podcast this week, invest in some rope Loons fans. Sounders win 3-0.
There you have it, some actual not terrible matchups on Friday and Saturday, followed by the traditional Sunday bloodletting. Enjoy the games.