Trash Talk: Your Team Edition

You were expecting another trashing of Seattle? I could probably find more content in that soggy dump, but I think we’d all be better served if I ripped your Premier League team.

Arsenal- Arsene is killing your team, but hey, sign him to an extension because nostalgia or something. Enjoy underperforming again this year.

Bournemouth- With a crest you would expect to find on an early-2000s MLS team and a nickname that also doubles as a healthy snack, no one will really miss you guys when you’re eventually relegated.

Brighton and Hove Albion- You know that GIF of Abe Simpson walking into the cabaret and turning right around? That’s your Premier League stay. Have fun.

Burnley- Chumbawamba is from Burnley. So thanks for that, I guess.

Chelsea- Do you think there was more Russian blood money involved in pricing out the actual Chelsea fans or in getting our 45th President elected?

Crystal Palace- As my girlfriend said when she heard about them, “That’s not a real team name, is it?” She is also their only fan in the United States now.

Everton- Why are Everton fans so pale? They’re always in Liverpool’s shadow. Ba dum tss.

Huddersfield Town- Oh you’re a fan of Huddersfield? Let’s discuss it when I come over to sample your artisanal mustache wax and yerba mate tea.

Leicester City- Jamie Vardy’s deal with the devil ended and now there’s tons of room on the bandwagon before it catches fire and runs off a cliff.

Liverpool- Every time you get a glimpse of the former glory, you sell the player that got you there. There might be hope for another League Cup run though.

Manchester City- Another tale of the miracles a shitload of money can perform for a team. Doesn’t change the fact that Manchester is a hole.

Manchester United- You were only good under Ferguson and you’ll never get that back. Literally everyone is glad you’re mediocre again.

Newcastle United- Fuck you guys for what you did to Jonas Gutierrez.

Southampton- There are two goals every year for Southampton: finish mid-table and keep making so-so players look great so that you can squeeze more money out of Liverpool’s dumbass American owners.

Stoke City- “But can they do it on-” Stop. Shut up.

Swansea City- Hmm what’s the best way to avoid another relegation scare? Right! We’ll sell our best player with no time to spend the money.

Tottenham Hotspur- If they gave out trophies for putting pressure on the eventual Premier League winners… Well it still wouldn’t be a very big trophy case.

Watford- So what do we call ourselves? Well there’s a moose on the crest… Maybe the Hornets?

West Bromwich Albion- Congrats on having the least popular One Direction kid as your number one fan.

West Ham United- You can forever blow those bubbles right up your own asses.

Author: David Baker

Going grey early; just like Steve Martin but not nearly as funny. I graduated from the University of Minnesota in 2013 with a degree in Recreation, Parks, and Leisure Studies. I love soccer as well as just about any other sport they play in North America.

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