You were expecting another trashing of Seattle? I could probably find more content in that soggy dump, but I think we’d all be better served if I ripped your Premier League team.
Arsenal- Arsene is killing your team, but hey, sign him to an extension because nostalgia or something. Enjoy underperforming again this year.
Bournemouth- With a crest you would expect to find on an early-2000s MLS team and a nickname that also doubles as a healthy snack, no one will really miss you guys when you’re eventually relegated.
Brighton and Hove Albion- You know that GIF of Abe Simpson walking into the cabaret and turning right around? That’s your Premier League stay. Have fun.
Burnley- Chumbawamba is from Burnley. So thanks for that, I guess.
Chelsea- Do you think there was more Russian blood money involved in pricing out the actual Chelsea fans or in getting our 45th President elected?
Crystal Palace- As my girlfriend said when she heard about them, “That’s not a real team name, is it?” She is also their only fan in the United States now.
Everton- Why are Everton fans so pale? They’re always in Liverpool’s shadow. Ba dum tss.
Huddersfield Town- Oh you’re a fan of Huddersfield? Let’s discuss it when I come over to sample your artisanal mustache wax and yerba mate tea.
Leicester City- Jamie Vardy’s deal with the devil ended and now there’s tons of room on the bandwagon before it catches fire and runs off a cliff.
Liverpool- Every time you get a glimpse of the former glory, you sell the player that got you there. There might be hope for another League Cup run though.
Manchester City- Another tale of the miracles a shitload of money can perform for a team. Doesn’t change the fact that Manchester is a hole.
Manchester United- You were only good under Ferguson and you’ll never get that back. Literally everyone is glad you’re mediocre again.
Newcastle United- Fuck you guys for what you did to Jonas Gutierrez.
Southampton- There are two goals every year for Southampton: finish mid-table and keep making so-so players look great so that you can squeeze more money out of Liverpool’s dumbass American owners.
Stoke City- “But can they do it on-” Stop. Shut up.
Swansea City- Hmm what’s the best way to avoid another relegation scare? Right! We’ll sell our best player with no time to spend the money.
Tottenham Hotspur- If they gave out trophies for putting pressure on the eventual Premier League winners… Well it still wouldn’t be a very big trophy case.
Watford- So what do we call ourselves? Well there’s a moose on the crest… Maybe the Hornets?
West Bromwich Albion- Congrats on having the least popular One Direction kid as your number one fan.
West Ham United- You can forever blow those bubbles right up your own asses.