In light of the extremely high SEO for Game of Thrones, I’ve made an executive decision to switch things up this week. Instead of your typical Casual, I return again to my true form: nerdery. Today, I’ll try to come up with a House or faction that represents every team in the MLS Western Conference. The Eastern Conference will follow.
In the Game of Foots, you win . . . or you lose. Or draw.
Minnesota United FC: Always bitching about winter coming, constantly beset by tragedy, horrific injuries, and surrounded on all sides by enemies.
Verdict: House Stark of Winterfell
LA Galaxy: Punished by the gods for their hubris, they’re also terrible and nobody likes them.
Verdict: House Frey of the Twins
Seattle Sounders FC: They’ve got a big tower, they’re isolated behind mountains from most of the country, and their home stadium is a nigh-impregnable fortress.
Verdict: House Arryn of the Vale
Houston Dynamo: You know what makes a dynamo run? A river, that’s what. Okay, it’s a fucking stretch. Sue me.*
Verdict: House Tully of Riverrun
Portland Timbers: Shrieking barbarians with unkempt beards, bladed implements, and a ferocious, all-out attack who live in the wilderness. Yes, this one is a little on the fucking nose, but so be it.
Verdict: The Dothraki Horde
FC Dallas: With the number of players they’ve had loaned to them so far in 2017, it’s hard not to see the parallels to a certain House also known for racking up debt to third parties.
Verdict: House Baratheon of Storm’s End
Sporting Kansas City: Like the Unsullied, Sporting KC has a combination of stout defense and elite fitness that makes them one of the most feared forces in the world. I can’t comment on any other similarities.
Verdict: The Unsullied
Vancouver Whitecaps FC: A coastal landscape beset by frequent rain and clouds whose inhabitants make their living by raiding the homes of others. And I mean a Whitecap is, like, the crest of a wave. Get it? You got it.
Verdict: House Greyjoy of Pyke
San Jose Earthquakes: This was a tough one, because I don’t really give a shit about the Quakes. But earthquakes shake things up, not unlike the prominent members of this house, whose actions had tremendous effects on all of Westeros. Also, they both live in the south.
Verdict: House Martell of Sunspear
Real Salt Lake: They’ve got red and gold in their colors, their mascot is a literal lion on a golden throne, and nobody likes them. Let’s not overthink this.
Verdict: House Lannister of Casterly Rock
Colorado Rapids: I tried to come up with something positive to say. I really did. They’re good at torturing (their fans), I guess?
Verdict: House Bolton of the Dreadfort
Chivas USA: You had to know this one was coming. A once-proud club, now gone to dust. And now the rains weep o’er their halls, with no one there to cheer.
Verdict: House Reyne of Castamere.
*Please, G.R.R. Martin and/or the legally authorized representatives of the MLS teams mentioned above, don’t sue me. I have nothing.