Make it stop, for the love of Christ! On the bright side, with European soccer fully back, we finally have some decent men’s soccer to watch on the weekends. In the meantime here’s a few matches to make you appreciate those early Saturday and Sunday mornings!
Columbus Crew v LA Galaxy – The Crew have a win and a draw since shedding the dead weight that was Ethan Finlay. The Galaxy have been absolutely dreadful of late, even more dreadful than they were earlier in the year, somehow. The Crew is seeming to right the ship and will want to make sure that they maintain their distance from Atlanta and Montreal, especially since Atlanta has four games in hand. Columbus wins 2-0.
DC United v Atlanta United – It’s the fourth United Derby and currently the DC Uniteds are in first place with 6 points and the Atlanta Uniteds are tied with Minnesota in second with three points. So yeah, this one’s fucking weird. DC has had Atlanta’s number. I wouldn’t expect that to continue, especially considering Atlanta is currently on the outside looking in for the playoffs. Atlanta wins 3-1.
FC Dallas v Houston Dynamo – Maybe FC Dallas just isn’t very good. There, I said it! That being said, this is Houston on the road so just what the doctor ordered for a Dallas team that is free-falling down the playoff order. FC Dallas wins 1-0
Toronto FC v Philadelphia – Toronto FC is pulling away from the rest of the pack in the Supporters Shield race and are 6-3-1 in their last 10 matches. The Union are 4-2-4 in their last ten and are slipping away from playoff contention. This one is just a formality for TFC. Toronto wins 4-1.
Vancouver Whitecaps v Seattle Sounders – Probably the hottest team in MLS, the Seattle Sounders, travel to Vancouver having moved to the top of the Western Conference thanks to a very late penalty against the Loons at home on Sunday. Vancouver is just above the red line and beat the Sounders at home earlier this year; Seattle, however, is in much better form now and that Sounders team is not the same as this Sounders team. Seattle wins 2-1.
Real Salt Lake v San Jose Earthquakes – RSL welcomes the Earthquakes to the Rio Tinto this evening. Their only victory in their last five matches was a 1-0 victory in DC. The Quakes have one point in their last three matches and are going on the road. To make this shitty match even worse the Quakes are 0-0-4 in their last four away matches. But hold on a second, RSL is 0-3-1 in their last four home tilts. So, 0-0 draw in the worst fucking match all month.
Portland Timbers v Colorado Rapids – The last match in this stinkfest slate of matches has the potential for some fireworks at least on the Timbers side of the ball. The Rapids did win the lone match between these two this year 2-1 in Colorado. However, the Timbers have far too much firepower, especially at home, so make sure Timber Joey’s chainsaw is properly lubed up! Timbers win 4-1.
Ugh these matches are dumb. It’s going to take at least three RumHamms before I consider even thinking about watching any of these matches, so… bottom’s up!